An Embarrassing Collection of Adult Films

 When I came of the year 17 I learned that I was of the appropriate age to buy and rent NC-17 films from the neighborhood film rental establishment. The building was closing out of business, and recognizing this could be my last chance, I bought several films from their discount adult section.

Upon arriving home with my stash I took a moment to read through the descriptions on the backs of these films. I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting. Perhaps I believed that my age would open a gateway to a new world of filmography that would open my mind, expand my thoughts and excite me on primal levels.

Instead, I found that this neighborhood film establishment was a family friendly business and had a very different understanding of adult entertainment than what I had been lead to believe.

Billy Elliot – I collected this film after a brief glance at the name. I have heard of both the esteemed auto-racer Bill Elliot as well as the rock musician Bill Elliot and I was certain this film, in the adult section, would have some form of explosions or terrific death. Instead it had dancing. Billy Elliot is the story of a young boy who wished to become a ballerina.

 He and I shared the same expression...

Cowboys & Angels – Yet another title that pulled me in only to surprise me when the film featured neither cowboys nor angels, at least, not in a literal sense. The film takes place in Ireland, a straight man and a homosexual man begin living with each other. Things become "complicated" when the straight mate begins dealing drugs for the money to impress his room mate.

The homosexual fellow engages in unwilling coitus with a Lesbian and the "heterosexual" fellow above receives fellatio from a homosexual drug dealer. We learn that the moral of the story is that whatever it is you want in life, you actually want a partner with a penis.

Wilde – This film pertains in no way to the Wild West or the dirty scoundrels that once ruled that frontier, or the ruthless men in polished coats that used sharp pens and minds to claim the land and rule with their money. The lead himself is not a wild man either in any way, flamboyant perhaps, but indeed not wild. This story follows the literary artist Oscar Wilde and his homosexual affair which leads to his imprisonment and exile making this undoubtedly the most depressing and the most homosexual of the films I picked up.

 There was a lot of these tender bits going on, and I do believe I have never seen Jude Law so convincingly homosexual. Even in his role as Doctor John Watson in the latest Sherlock film... Hold on, Stephen Fry (Oscar Wilde) portrayed Mycroft holmes in that film, did he not? Is this screen capture above from Wilde or Sherlock? Oh perhaps it's neither and this is an intimate glimpse of these actors from behind the scenes.

I should stop here, as it is commonly believed that if someone makes the same mistake 3 times, it is likely not a mistake. It is best that you believe the peculiar films of my collection ends with this. 

Needless to say, these films still sit on my shelf, if for no reason other than my own stubborn nature. They are trophies of my 17^th year and my freedom to purchase whichever films I desire! But it is difficult to explain that reasoning while sounding honest, when a mate pulls the film from the shelf and sends me a questioning look.

Legalized/Mandatory Gay Marriage

The marriage of homosexuals has recently become legal in four additional states of America. Washington, Main, Maryland and Minnesota have all passed the bill and though I’m sure there was much support, the ones responding the loudest were the hundreds of citizens labeled ‘homophobes’ on twitter.

Here are the prime examples of the digital generation expressing distaste:

Sir "Stress and Rage" is a modern man of morals and values disheartened by his brother's disgraces.


Mister Omar knows what it is like to be an unappreciated minority. He is a middle-easterner and a straight man in a country where only gay whites are valued.

Poor Shelby found sanctuary in a state that would allow her to marry her first cousin. She is not about to let that be tarnished by homosexuals being wed.

I am concerned now that the public has become misinformed. Due to the sheer volume of resistance and resentment in these messages one can only theorize that this stems from confusion. I worry that these 'defenders of integrity' have fallen under the false impression that homosexual marriage has become mandatory.

The people may have come to understand that in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota and Washington it is not mandatory to be homosexual and to be married to a person of the same sex. I admit, if such a bill had been passed that ordered everyone to pair up with their unfavored gender and express common stereotypes, perhaps I too would be concerned and cautious.

"They might not seem like much one at a time, but in a group, all riled up and hungry? Man you watch your ass."
-Morgan, The Walking Dead, Regarding Gays
(or zombies?)

To be fair, it is difficult to appreciate any sexuality's public displays of affection when social ignorance has lead to a life of celibacy.

 Regardless of the twitter-opinions of these obviously very (un)informed individuals, gay marriage is legal in four additional states this year and there is no sign of a reprieve. As the acceptance of homosexuality continues to gain a foothold in America, these people have limited choices.

They can learn to be tolerant and only hate (be annoyed by) homosexuals that are out of the closet.

Only holding bias against homosexuals that he can identify as homosexuals must have sounded like a far more generous compromise in his mind.

Alternatively, they can fight back by investigating the source of homosexuality that scientists have been seeking for years. The question as to whether it is in our genes or in our upbringing remained a mystery until the young up and coming Sir DrugLane discovered the source of homosexuality.

Whether you identified as homosexual or not your familure to "re-tweet" this post has made you susceptible to homosexuality, inform your partners and have them tested immediately.

With the source of homosexuality discovered, they can now seek the cure. Miss Haley (a.k.a. hugs and kisses²) suggests to cure men from literally "loving your fellow man" by means of excessive violence.

Homophobics of America cut spending in the "logic" department and hoped unemployed mothers would figure out a cure.

These people will likely forget their cause soon and go back to their lives with little more resistance than a sulky countenance. However, with 20% of the "United" States supporting homosexual marriage and 80% of the states yet to be claimed by the gay agenda, there will undoubtedly be many more of these short lived and sour uprisings of the uninformed.

To those concerned about how to these rights may affect your life and marriage simply remember, gay marriage is now legal, not mandatory.

Tolerating the Vegetarian

I have decided to teach my people  to grant more tolerance towards vegetarians. With the New Year around the corner I use this time of the year to gather up spare particles of patience and tolerance that I have not yet bestowed on unfavorable people and I decide which group to give it to.

Last year, I taught my people to be tolerant of girl scouts. This year, I learn to be tolerant of vegetarians.

In the past, vegetarians have been seen as incompetent hunters, poor cooks, unskilled butchers and generally unfortunate people that burden those around them.

It is important to consider, however, similar behaviors in other situations. When a person declines to take part in the consumption of alcohol and donated their share to the participants around them, they are regarded as the party martyr who stands alone in his quest for sobriety so his friends may savor the liquor of Dionysus.

Equally, when one is indulging in pleasures of the flesh, the friend that does not participate and instead gives wide birth for more assertive comrades to flaunt and attract mates, this friend is heralded as a grand ‘wing man’ that generously grants others the spoils of youth and attraction.

Finally, the vegetarian should be regarded in this way. As noble as the sober chauffer and as valiant as the sexless wingman, the vegetarian sacrifices his own enjoyment of life to let you enjoy all of the steaks roasted at your seasonal barbeque festivities.

Admittedly, the vegetarian is still the party pooper that his social relatives are. Just as the sober chauffer chides you for relieving yourself in an intersection from the window of his vehicle, and just as the sexless wingman complains belatedly about his role as the celibate comrade, the vegetarian too will drag on your festivities.

The vegetarian is likely to try to make his role in life look enjoyable and encourage you to convert under the knowledge that misery loves company. He may express this encouragement by bringing salad to your barbeque. Luckily the vegetarian is also weak and can be safely stored in a pantry until the party is ready for his antics again.

You have come to understand by now, that is will be difficult to enjoy the company of the vegetarian, but such affection is unnecessary anyhow. The fact that the vegetarian will not finish off your steak while you are savoring its succulent flavors is reason enough to tolerate the vegetarian.

And now, if I have had any success at all, I have taught my people how to be tolerant of the vegetarian.

The Screaming Violin

My mate and I had a good deal of time on our hands when we discovered a violin amidst the moving boxes. The bow was falling apart and needed to be restrung, and the strings as well were showing the signs of neglect and needed replacement.

Generally I am advised that showing your appreciation for a musical instrument by touching the strings is like showing your appreciation for a person by touching their eyes. However in this case, little could be done to damage the strings any worse so I was permitted to play with them as I saw fit.

I soon orchestrated a game between myself and my mate. At various hours when it was least expected, I would take up the violin and bow and find a clever place to hide. And then I would play...

I would saw passionately at the violin. The old strings would obey me as best as they could but they could emit nothing more melodious than a piercing and consistent scream. And so the violin did scream and the voice tore through the house and reached my mate through whatever distraction took priority earlier.

My mate would be forced to come and seek me out and come closer to the scream of the violin to find where I hid. I had a few favorite places, behind the coat rack, inside the shower, behind the door, under the bed, and so on.

I would gleefully continue playing until pulled from my hiding spot and relieved of my instrument. The game was great fun and it made me smile to hear the pitter-patter of a tortured soul running through the house in search of the violin.

The game came to an abrupt end the day my mate took the violin, returned it to it's case and locked it shut with a key. I've recently been looking at violins available to me to purchase and I'm considering reintroducing this little game.

Knight Rights

I have been encouraged to read the debates on the civil rights of homosexuals while replacing the word "gays" with my own name. This is to remind that gays are people and the arguments are made on how these people live their lives.

This challenge was meant to be moving and emotional. But as I read the list I could only consider it incredibly fitting and humorous at best.

"Knight should not be allowed to marry."
In the adult world of exclusive clubs that only allow two members (possibly 5 if you are Mormon), Knight is not allowed to participate. I can only visualize wedding limousines driving away with streamers and cans on string, with a sign in the back window that says "No Knights Allowed".

"Knight would not be a good parent."
If you wish to disagree with this, review my journals once more and consider these adventures with a young child clutching my hand. I have no doubt the child I raise would be happy, it is in fact society that would suffer if I spawned and raised a member of the next generation to follow in my footsteps.

"Knight can only raise more Knights."
Procreation is easily confused with spawning and direct cloning, from the government's perspective.

"Knight does not love, it is only lust."
How mysterious and brooding does this make me sound? And I appreciate that the debate made sure to mention that I still have sexual needs, my lack of love does not mean I am off the market, only that I am hard to get. Ladies.

"If Knight can marry, we should just let people marry animals."
I am almost completely certain this debate implies I am a tiger. Watch out, Ladies.

"Knight is what is wrong with this country."
We took a sharp turn from describing Knight as a brooding and mysterious sex tiger to declaring me as the singular flaw that makes this country wrong. Perhaps the compliment is hidden in the fact Knight is apparently very influential to have such impact.

"Knight is what is destroying the Western World."

I'm concerned that Congress is merely attempting to seduce me with such compliments overestimating my power and strength. Congress is writing a check that I cannot cash. How can one read "Knight, Destroyer of Worlds" and picture me bringing a country to its knees when I can barely do the same for my crush? This debate is certainly expecting more than what I can live up to.

"Knight is what destroyed the Roman Empire."
I would at this point declare that the debate has greatly overestimated the limitations of my power, but this could be based loosely on a fact. I am fairly certain I reduced a  Roman city's thriving population to 3 prostitutes and 4 donkeys while editing an article on Wikipedia one evening.

"Being Knight is a choice."
Indubitably the best choice I have ever made.


This is the most fun I have had with politics in a long time. It is wondrous that Mad Lib politics has not yet been created. So I shall consider it my duty to bring you additional articles of interest, with words replaced with more interesting words. However, firstly, I have a Ming Dynasty to destroy in the name of Knight.

Try to understand. It is a lifestyle.

Spontaneous Exercise

As a word of caution, impromptu workouts can happen at any time. This is the excuse I manifested when I found myself in a surprise session of exercise.

I was strolling through a pleasant and attractive museum with vaulted ceilings reminiscent of Villa Dei Papiri of Herculaneum (Italy) when the most attractive of sculptures caught my eye. My jaw hung slacked and I rushed forward to absorb the vision but in my hasty steps I failed to notice the rise of the threshold.

My foot caught the threshold and the foot following caught my heel and I fell in a long swoop towards the floor. I landed with a loud enough smack to gain the attention of those already admiring the statue that had beckoned me forth, worse yet, my companion had noticed my folly.

I did the very first thing I could think of and placed my hands beneath my chest and began to push myself up, then lower myself again, and repeat this in rapid succession.

My comrade cries in shock, "Are you alright?"

I answer as if the voice of alarm was entirely unnecessary, "I'm quite well, thank you."

"What are you doing?" I was demanded.

I reply just as casually the second time, "Push ups" "Why!?" I am interrupted before i can say anything more.

There has to be a reasonable cause for impromptu work-outs? I state, "Why... I saw the stunning vision of this statue and realized that I must begin to tone my body immediately if I wish to resemble such form of a marble deity!"

My comrade helped me to my feet and I cleverly followed up, "Alright, that is enough push ups for now, but I will require a recess later to complete my routine with squats." Obviously my clever ruse could not have raised any distrust in my word. My folly could be seen as nothing other than sincere enthusiasm for exercise.


In fact, on some level it pains me to retell this event to the reader as otherwise there would have likely been no assumption that I was anything less than entirely honest when I excused my misstep.

The Airport Security

My confident gait carried me through an empty air port and down long empty aisles. Aside from security, the only people at the air port were couples that clung to one another tightly in their final farewells before crossing the gates.

I stared at the affectionate couples and felt as though they magnified the loneliness of my own solitary travel. A security agent summoned me forth to move me through security and I motioned to the coupled locked in a tight embrace.

"I see your terminal provides complementary good bye hugs. Where can I receive mine?" I ask. The agent regards me with surprise and I query, "Here? With you?"

She quickly answers, "No." and she moves me along.

The agent beside the security check points declares as though accepting a challenge, "I will hug you." I look upon this agent with surprise. He states, "You weren't expecting someone to call your bluff, were you?"

I promptly dropped my luggage on the belt and spread my arms to accept his hug. Without a moment's hesitation he turned and walked away...

Though I was mildly insulted to be rejected by a security agent, I try not to take it too personally. It is possible that he was aware of my adventure with air port security and a penis in a jar. He could have known his best option was to turn and leave.

I never did receive my goodbye hug, but another security agents awarded me with a hand five when I passed through without setting off a single alarm (a considerable achievement, considering myself).