Legalized/Mandatory Gay Marriage

The marriage of homosexuals has recently become legal in four additional states of America. Washington, Main, Maryland and Minnesota have all passed the bill and though I’m sure there was much support, the ones responding the loudest were the hundreds of citizens labeled ‘homophobes’ on twitter.

Here are the prime examples of the digital generation expressing distaste:

Sir "Stress and Rage" is a modern man of morals and values disheartened by his brother's disgraces.


Mister Omar knows what it is like to be an unappreciated minority. He is a middle-easterner and a straight man in a country where only gay whites are valued.

Poor Shelby found sanctuary in a state that would allow her to marry her first cousin. She is not about to let that be tarnished by homosexuals being wed.

I am concerned now that the public has become misinformed. Due to the sheer volume of resistance and resentment in these messages one can only theorize that this stems from confusion. I worry that these 'defenders of integrity' have fallen under the false impression that homosexual marriage has become mandatory.

The people may have come to understand that in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota and Washington it is not mandatory to be homosexual and to be married to a person of the same sex. I admit, if such a bill had been passed that ordered everyone to pair up with their unfavored gender and express common stereotypes, perhaps I too would be concerned and cautious.

"They might not seem like much one at a time, but in a group, all riled up and hungry? Man you watch your ass."
-Morgan, The Walking Dead, Regarding Gays
(or zombies?)

To be fair, it is difficult to appreciate any sexuality's public displays of affection when social ignorance has lead to a life of celibacy.

 Regardless of the twitter-opinions of these obviously very (un)informed individuals, gay marriage is legal in four additional states this year and there is no sign of a reprieve. As the acceptance of homosexuality continues to gain a foothold in America, these people have limited choices.

They can learn to be tolerant and only hate (be annoyed by) homosexuals that are out of the closet.

Only holding bias against homosexuals that he can identify as homosexuals must have sounded like a far more generous compromise in his mind.

Alternatively, they can fight back by investigating the source of homosexuality that scientists have been seeking for years. The question as to whether it is in our genes or in our upbringing remained a mystery until the young up and coming Sir DrugLane discovered the source of homosexuality.

Whether you identified as homosexual or not your familure to "re-tweet" this post has made you susceptible to homosexuality, inform your partners and have them tested immediately.

With the source of homosexuality discovered, they can now seek the cure. Miss Haley (a.k.a. hugs and kisses²) suggests to cure men from literally "loving your fellow man" by means of excessive violence.

Homophobics of America cut spending in the "logic" department and hoped unemployed mothers would figure out a cure.

These people will likely forget their cause soon and go back to their lives with little more resistance than a sulky countenance. However, with 20% of the "United" States supporting homosexual marriage and 80% of the states yet to be claimed by the gay agenda, there will undoubtedly be many more of these short lived and sour uprisings of the uninformed.

To those concerned about how to these rights may affect your life and marriage simply remember, gay marriage is now legal, not mandatory.

You Should Know Mister Stalker

There was a woman I once had a fondness for. To express my appreciation I dedicated myself to learning every detail it was possible to learn about her.  Our courting held more likeness to an interview than to a date.

I asked, innocently enough, "What is your favorite song?"

She answered, "You should know Mister Stalker."

I'd never heard of this song but it sounded interesting. It sounded like an ominous warning depending on the inflection and tone. "You Should Know Mister Stalker". I anticipated what the song could be about.

My imagination lead me to believe the song was informing the listener of a fellow known as Mister Stalker. It seemed they advised you should be familiar with his tricks and his intentions. Obviously, Mister Stalker was a very interesting person... but someone to be cautious of.

I searched for the song but there was no word of it existing in English or any other language we conversed in. Finally I returned to this woman and in exasperation I admitted "I never found the song."

She questioned "Which song?"

I answered, "You Should Know Mister Stalker."

At this point she laughs and clarifies for me that she had not given me the name of a song. She was calling me Mister Stalker, and considering my thoroughness in learning about her, she teased that I should already know what her favorite song was.

I learned a valuable lesson that day.

1. I am Mister Stalker.
2. You should know Mister Stalker.

Clean 'Ass' A Whistle

A friend of mine was once courting a person who could one day be the proud owner of one of the cleanest butts in the world. I was very happy of her for her great find, though she never considered this a truly valuable aspect of the relationship.

She cannot poop because she is a woman,

he cannot poop because of an unexpected medical disorder that renders his rectum useless.

This is the crazy kind of match you'd expect from a Hollywood Romantic Comedy.

This dear friend of mine lamented that the male she had taken a liking towards had a serious ailment, Crohn's Disease, and would likely face the consequences of trying to live happily with such evil lurking in his bowels.

For those of you who were looking for a reason to lose your appetite for lunch today, merrily proceed: Crohn's disease destroys your intestines and forces doctors to dramatically hoist them from your belly during surgery, remove the most offending section, seal it up, and hide it within your cavernous body once more. Eventually you will run out of enough intestines to function properly, and the doctors will be creative.

The Doctors make a hole in your stomach. (As a word of caution, do not meddle with these doctors, when they threaten to "tear you a new asshole" they mean this in a very literal sense.) They will connect this hole to your intestines and force you to poop through a hole in your stomach attached to a bag hanging around your midsection for the rest of your life.

This woman was very concerned for the well being of this man. She had wanted for him to grow old in a healthy way, and if that was not possible, then at the very least in an unhealthy way that was not physically visible from the outside. Perhaps an ailment like dementia or Alzheimer's, those can be an adventure!

 Pictured above : Adventure!

I dutifully reassured her by reminding her of the endless benefits and opportunities that could manifest from this development in his health. For one, she can enjoy the carefree life of a woman that never needs to share toilet paper with her husband! He will certainly need sanitary wipes for his new anus, but the one he grew up with will only require dusting from time to time, now that it is out of use.

Furthermore, now that this fellow's original rear is no longer used for human-byproduct, it will always be clean. I congratulate her that she will undoubtedly be able to commit sodomy on this man at any time and never be concerned with the dirty results. His butt will be clean enough to not ruin the mood no matter how deeply she violates him! She insisted that she was in no way a sexual deviant that would benefit from violating her husband in such ways, and I assured her it would be far more devious if the violations were committed while he was still using that orifice for practical purposes. In fact, it would be much dirtier also.

Her potential mate's rear still had plenty of unexplored uses beyond sexual violation. I reminded her that with enough practice, she could possibly replace her purse by using her husband's superfluous, vacant rectum. Letting that abandoned territory go to waste would be a shame when it could function just as well as perfectly good storage space. He could carry her cell phone, car keys, lip stick, and pepper spray in the safe and warm tunnels of his gut.

She left to find others that could provide less optimistic relationship advice. I believe my comrade hoped someone might tell her reassuring words such as "I'm sure you wont notice." and "We'll buy you potpourri for Christmas."

Though she does not share intimate information regarding her companion's orifices any longer, I consider myself adequately prepared for the day that she opens a business that offers her husband's rectum for rent.

I am indubitably eager to have a "space for rent" advertisement on his rear. Perhaps with an "inquire within" statement if my relative-in-law kept business cards inside there as well.

The Elusive Primary Message

Women may like to be called pretty, but if they are simply not pretty, one shouldn't be expected to lie to uphold an unspoken social rule... The Elusive Primary Message

There came a moment when a girl entered my life. This chapter was not particularly long lived, primarily because of the difficulty in communication. Whether you know this or not, there is a delicate art to the first message of the day that one suitor sends another and when the influence does not come naturally the message can be difficult to feign.

I sat idly one such morning after an evening courting this woman. To display appreciation and a polite demeanor it was obligatory to send the primary message of the day. Sadly there was so little to discuss with this evening companion it was difficult to create a message.

A dear friend beside me, swollen with glee at the potential of a blooming romance, suggests, "Girls love to be told that they are pretty! Send a message telling her that she is pretty!"

There was a minor complication with this plan, which I expressed, "But she isn't."

It wasn't that she was particularly foul in appearance, or that I placed much value on these superficial standards. But none of this was explained in the long and pregnant silence that lingered between my friend and I as we exchanged glances.

I break the silence as I return my attention to the nagging blank message, elaborating, "I only feel that I should open up with something more believable." 

Careful consideration was given to potential other messages I could send. However, the various truths I could give her lacked the poetry that my friend recommended. Various failed first messages included, "Greetings, I awoke this day with a distant memory of the evening we shared." 
 "Before sleep found me, last night, I thought ceaselessly of your face, and I can confirm without question, that it is indeed a face." and
"I recall vividly most of the events that transpired on our outing last night, due to the happenings having occurred so recently. Regrettably it was not memorable enough to leave a long lasting impression on my recollections and the remedy would likely be a second, more impressive date."

Luckily she was spared all of my various levels of truth. The elusive primary message was never written and the chasm between our communications was never bridged. But I can say, with the utmost certainty, that she  is out there still, hopefully not waiting for a message from me.

How to Make People Think You Aren't Shallow

A Shallow Human's Guide To Being Not Shallow At All:
Making people think you aren't shallow.

Generally, people are shallow creatures that are concerned with the immediately visible traits of a potential interest. Humans fantasize about having a beautiful partner on their arm and when they come across an old lover they can say "I didn't see you there, I apologize I was simply so distracted with my new beautiful lover."

However, humans are also concerned with our own appearance socially. "Shallow" has equated to being less intelligent, because you must be stupid to be captivated with the beauty of a goddess. The notion that being shallow is bad is actually a grand scheme devised by ugly women.

Women insist that they are all unique and special snowflakes. The fact is that the majority of women are "average" and another great portion of women are "unnattractive" and only an elite group are truly beautiful. The lesser women have grouped together and created the law that if you are shallow, you are a dirty dirty boy and women will shun you. The women believe that they are all beautiful in their own way and if you are not interested in them you are simply not deep enough to understand their beauty and so you have commited a serious crime of being shallow.

It is important to make people believe you are not shallow at all, while continuing to date the women of your dreams. Luckily, there are deeper attachments to nearly every shallow feature.

Now that we have that down we can move onto how to address shallow issues in a deeper way.

I only date skinny girls. Instead say:  I prefer athletic girls that take care of their bodies, it is a huge turn on for me when a girl eats right and exorcizes appropriately.
I'm sorry, you're too fat for me. Instead say: No, it's not that you're fat. I find your slothful behavior disgusting, your food portions are repugnant and your body is a consistent reminder of how little you care about your health. I cannot bear to watch you do this to yourself a moment longer, I must go.

I only date girls close to my age. Instead say: I like girls that share my love for particular child hood memories of saturday cartoons we grew up with.
I'm sorry, you're too young for me.  Instead say: You aren't old enough to go to any of my favorite clubs, how are we supposed to bond?
I'm sorry, you're too old for me. Instead say: You find all of my new age pop music offensive when I try to serenade you with meaningful lyrics, how are we supposed to express our love?
I only date blonde haired girls. Instead say: I like girls that have a bright look about them, sunny and friendly, something welcoming and conventional.
I'm sorry, your hair is too dark for me. Instead say: I support a mainstream part of society that values Anglo-saxon heritage and features. It is fine if you don't wish to participate in this culture, but it is an important part of my life symbolized by thick and beautiful blonde hair.

I only date girls with nice boobs. Instead say: I appreciate a girl who does what it takes to keep every part of her body youthful and attractive.
I'm sorry, your boobs are far too saggy for me. Instead say: It seems that you don't consider the long term effects of misusing tools. Your consistent lack of bra wearing to the point of your breasts hanging to your waist is a warning to me that you will fail to commit to caring for other things in your possession.

I only date women with a lot of money. Instead say: Women with career and life plans who budget well and know how to handle their assets are exciting and alluring.
I'm sorry, you are too poor for me. Instead say: You spend irresponsibly and you don't work hard enough to increase your value as a working person, this lack of dedication is an incompatible flaw that will divide us.

I only date women that (don't) follow (Religion). Instead say: How a woman defines her moral rock and lives her life is an important aspect of judging our compatibility.
I'm sorry, you are too religious for me. Instead say: I feel that you do not correspond to logic in the same was that I do and I fear that you will judge me harshly when you feel I am wrong and intend to upset me by telling me your imaginary friend also believes I am wrong.

Hopefully these will be enough to start you off on finding the girl you're interested in dating. Remind yourself, most of the time women are just accusing you of being shallow instead of crediting your ability to value her priorities and personality based on her appearance and how she conducts herself.

Unless you really are a shallow person and you'll reject a person because you like slate gray eyes and the person that loves you has pale blue eyes. In that case, just stay single. But if you're that type of shallow that is looking for someone beautiful to make an old lover jealous, then you should probably hire someone beautiful to pretend to love you and your precocious jealous nature.

~Knight