Clean 'Ass' A Whistle

A friend of mine was once courting a person who could one day be the proud owner of one of the cleanest butts in the world. I was very happy of her for her great find, though she never considered this a truly valuable aspect of the relationship.

She cannot poop because she is a woman,

he cannot poop because of an unexpected medical disorder that renders his rectum useless.

This is the crazy kind of match you'd expect from a Hollywood Romantic Comedy.

This dear friend of mine lamented that the male she had taken a liking towards had a serious ailment, Crohn's Disease, and would likely face the consequences of trying to live happily with such evil lurking in his bowels.

For those of you who were looking for a reason to lose your appetite for lunch today, merrily proceed: Crohn's disease destroys your intestines and forces doctors to dramatically hoist them from your belly during surgery, remove the most offending section, seal it up, and hide it within your cavernous body once more. Eventually you will run out of enough intestines to function properly, and the doctors will be creative.

The Doctors make a hole in your stomach. (As a word of caution, do not meddle with these doctors, when they threaten to "tear you a new asshole" they mean this in a very literal sense.) They will connect this hole to your intestines and force you to poop through a hole in your stomach attached to a bag hanging around your midsection for the rest of your life.

This woman was very concerned for the well being of this man. She had wanted for him to grow old in a healthy way, and if that was not possible, then at the very least in an unhealthy way that was not physically visible from the outside. Perhaps an ailment like dementia or Alzheimer's, those can be an adventure!

 Pictured above : Adventure!

I dutifully reassured her by reminding her of the endless benefits and opportunities that could manifest from this development in his health. For one, she can enjoy the carefree life of a woman that never needs to share toilet paper with her husband! He will certainly need sanitary wipes for his new anus, but the one he grew up with will only require dusting from time to time, now that it is out of use.

Furthermore, now that this fellow's original rear is no longer used for human-byproduct, it will always be clean. I congratulate her that she will undoubtedly be able to commit sodomy on this man at any time and never be concerned with the dirty results. His butt will be clean enough to not ruin the mood no matter how deeply she violates him! She insisted that she was in no way a sexual deviant that would benefit from violating her husband in such ways, and I assured her it would be far more devious if the violations were committed while he was still using that orifice for practical purposes. In fact, it would be much dirtier also.

Her potential mate's rear still had plenty of unexplored uses beyond sexual violation. I reminded her that with enough practice, she could possibly replace her purse by using her husband's superfluous, vacant rectum. Letting that abandoned territory go to waste would be a shame when it could function just as well as perfectly good storage space. He could carry her cell phone, car keys, lip stick, and pepper spray in the safe and warm tunnels of his gut.

She left to find others that could provide less optimistic relationship advice. I believe my comrade hoped someone might tell her reassuring words such as "I'm sure you wont notice." and "We'll buy you potpourri for Christmas."

Though she does not share intimate information regarding her companion's orifices any longer, I consider myself adequately prepared for the day that she opens a business that offers her husband's rectum for rent.

I am indubitably eager to have a "space for rent" advertisement on his rear. Perhaps with an "inquire within" statement if my relative-in-law kept business cards inside there as well.