Impossible, Yet Sexy, Party Tricks

Among a mature crowd, attention is gained through party tricks that incite the rampant imaginations of peers. (Keep in mind, this is a mature crowd, but by no means a classy selection of people.)

A trick we are all familiar with is when one takes a cherry from their midori sour and ties the stem in a knot using only their tongue and teeth. This trick inspires the party to imagine that the performer is a very bored person with ample amounts of time to learn mundane tricks, and will likely be grateful for any company.

A party I attended had the appropriate ingredients for party tricks to break out at any moment: men with beer and women in want of beer.

The scene featured my friend, Cameron, sitting beside me with a bottle of beer tucked between his thighs. His girlfriend appeared to him, drawn forth by the call of weak alcohol. An idea was all at once conceived between expressions of the eye, and she knelt on the floor with the intention of drinking the beer from the lewd location in which it was placed.

Tipping the bottle for a drink would require adjusting the bottle into a flaccid, and thus less alluring, position. A moment's hesitation revealed that there was some confusion as to how to do this in a sexy manner. With entirely diplomatic and helpful motives (do not question me) I suggested, "You should put your lips over the mouth of the bottle and suck hard enough to lift the liquid."

No sooner suggested than it was done. The dame placed her mouth over the bottle, and her cheeks hollowed. The party stilled and everyone watched in intrigue at her earnest attempts.

Unsurprisingly, the suction of her mouth was unable to conquer Earth's gravitational pull on the beer and she was unable to imbibe the beverage.

Cameron admitted that had she been able to, it may have been more of a terrifying display than an alluring performance. He hypothesized that had her suction pressure been so immense, felatio could very well be an excruciating act administered by the most terrible vacuum/plunger to exist. His semen might have been extracted immediately with one soul crushing suck.

Of course there are multiple horrifying alternatives to imagine. Currently the internet provides few helpful sources for what will happen to a delicate appendage such as a penis in a vacuum chamber.

With my current knowledge I could predict a reasonable amount of expansion and my influence from low budget action movies lead me to imagine the penis promptly expanding and exploding. Of course it is important to remember that the boiling point of liquids lowers in tandem with pressure so that in this vacuum the blood that once filled this unfortunate appendage will immediately be converted into a red steamy mist most suitable for this level of carnage.

The best case scenario is played out in this video featuring a man formed from marshmallows, expanding rapidly within a vacuum. He reaches his maximum girth at which point he pops and deflates. Do not let the content smile drawn on his face deceive you, no person would be smiling in the event of a sexual favor becoming a sadistic act of science.

As you have no doubt realized, this entry is not a sexual examination of party tricks. (I may venture to say it is a scientific analysis of a failed innuendo.) On the offhand chance that this is an extremely titillating party fetish of yours, I leave you with the knowledge that there are many videos of marshmallows in vacuum chambers, and I ask that you use this knowledge for good.

New Friends

I read in an article that members of small tribes in South America, and sometimes participants of church groups in other parts of the world, may have longer life spans. It was believed that social interaction can keep a person "young", or at least more active.

I never had many friends, and in fact on once occasion when I was informed that my friend was on the phone to contact me, I replied "Which friend? I have two." This article presented the idea to me that I could perhaps benefit from having a surplus of friends.

I went forth with the intention of making many friends. I introduced myself to strangers, I participated in social events and I introduced myself to more strangers at these events. In the time since I made this decision to collect friends, I have developed a grand network.

One evening, one of my original two friends and I considered the social circle I now belonged to. She inquired, "Now that you have these friends, what will you do with them?"

Perhaps this step of the plan was poorly constructed. The article I had read lacked clear instructions on how to secure a long life by having a social community.

Finally I replied, "I will harvest their life energy and live forever, I suppose."

Friends are a valuable source when it comes to having a long and worthy life.

Proper Use of Offensive Terms

We live in a very easy to offend society and simultaniously very offensive society. There are people using terms to describe unpleasant or distasteful things with a derogatory statement of "That's gay" or "that's retarded" or "She's just so... black" [quote "Baby Got Back, courtesy Sir Mix-A-Lot.]

To help people in this troubling time, I have included improper uses of these words as examples of situations to avoid; and proper uses ofthese words as examples to emulate.


Gay:

Improper use,
"I stayed in last night and watched a movie with my girlfriend."
"That's gay."
Proper use,
"I forgot about guy night because I was fondling my boyfriend."
"That's gay."

Improper use,
"I prepared a gourmet salad with fresh organic ingredients!"
"That's gay"

Proper use, 
"I had sex with that cucumber and pretended it was Niel Patrick Harris."
"That's gay."

Retarded:

Improper use, 
"For the upcoming fiscal year I will invest money in cigarettes. Either this generation dies young but I become wildly successful, or this generation lives a long and healthy life and I make a trivial amount of money."
"You're retarded."
Proper use,
 "Guhhh.... My fingers smell like money which is impopable because mom doesn't let me eat money anymore."
"You're retarded."

Black:

Improper use, "I spent all day hustlin! I'm covered in chains and ice!"
"You're so black."

Proper use, "I spent all day working in a coal mine. I'm covered in carbon deposits!"
"You're so black!"

Woman:
Improper use,
 "Ouch! I just hurt my back lifting this bag!"
"You're such a woman."
Proper use,
"Ouch! I just hurt my back lifting my massive breasts!"
"You're such a woman."

Improper use, 
"Long hair makes me feel attractive."
"You're such a woman."
Proper use, 
"Long hair draws attention to my estrogen laden features and emphasizes a soft feminine quality to my countenance."
"You're such a woman."

A Car with Horse Power

"Horsepower" has been an enduring term in vehicle conversations since the early 1800's but for the advances made in this new age it is a painfully out dated term. It may have been appropriate when carriages were drawn by horses and an automobile of that era possibly matched their speeds.

Currently, however, any number of horses you acquire cannot possibly match the switfness of your 21st century automobile. Imagine if you will, a vehicle that boasts of it's 200 mile per hour top speed, and imagine the 400 horsepower literally.

The power of 400 horses would certainly not be able to carry you at this speed. Should your vehicle reach this speed, you would have 400 dead horses dragging behind you. And with that sort of (literal) dead weight, you likely would not be reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour. In my experience, anything more than 5 dead horses is a pretty efficient anchor.

It is with this information in mind that I suggest the typical measurement of "horsepower" be replaced with a new unit of "rocket power" or "robot power". We are living in the 21st century after all, why shouldn't we drive vehicles with engine strengths that truly describe our advancement in the mechanical field.

Besides, imagine how much easier it will be when you pick up your date while mentioning your 300
rocketpower engine. Romantic outings or not, I'm sure I would scream this information from my car window at stop lights. No one could stop me or my 300 rocketpower engine...

Legalized/Mandatory Gay Marriage

The marriage of homosexuals has recently become legal in four additional states of America. Washington, Main, Maryland and Minnesota have all passed the bill and though I’m sure there was much support, the ones responding the loudest were the hundreds of citizens labeled ‘homophobes’ on twitter.

Here are the prime examples of the digital generation expressing distaste:

Sir "Stress and Rage" is a modern man of morals and values disheartened by his brother's disgraces.


Mister Omar knows what it is like to be an unappreciated minority. He is a middle-easterner and a straight man in a country where only gay whites are valued.

Poor Shelby found sanctuary in a state that would allow her to marry her first cousin. She is not about to let that be tarnished by homosexuals being wed.

I am concerned now that the public has become misinformed. Due to the sheer volume of resistance and resentment in these messages one can only theorize that this stems from confusion. I worry that these 'defenders of integrity' have fallen under the false impression that homosexual marriage has become mandatory.

The people may have come to understand that in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota and Washington it is not mandatory to be homosexual and to be married to a person of the same sex. I admit, if such a bill had been passed that ordered everyone to pair up with their unfavored gender and express common stereotypes, perhaps I too would be concerned and cautious.

"They might not seem like much one at a time, but in a group, all riled up and hungry? Man you watch your ass."
-Morgan, The Walking Dead, Regarding Gays
(or zombies?)

To be fair, it is difficult to appreciate any sexuality's public displays of affection when social ignorance has lead to a life of celibacy.

 Regardless of the twitter-opinions of these obviously very (un)informed individuals, gay marriage is legal in four additional states this year and there is no sign of a reprieve. As the acceptance of homosexuality continues to gain a foothold in America, these people have limited choices.

They can learn to be tolerant and only hate (be annoyed by) homosexuals that are out of the closet.

Only holding bias against homosexuals that he can identify as homosexuals must have sounded like a far more generous compromise in his mind.

Alternatively, they can fight back by investigating the source of homosexuality that scientists have been seeking for years. The question as to whether it is in our genes or in our upbringing remained a mystery until the young up and coming Sir DrugLane discovered the source of homosexuality.

Whether you identified as homosexual or not your familure to "re-tweet" this post has made you susceptible to homosexuality, inform your partners and have them tested immediately.

With the source of homosexuality discovered, they can now seek the cure. Miss Haley (a.k.a. hugs and kisses²) suggests to cure men from literally "loving your fellow man" by means of excessive violence.

Homophobics of America cut spending in the "logic" department and hoped unemployed mothers would figure out a cure.

These people will likely forget their cause soon and go back to their lives with little more resistance than a sulky countenance. However, with 20% of the "United" States supporting homosexual marriage and 80% of the states yet to be claimed by the gay agenda, there will undoubtedly be many more of these short lived and sour uprisings of the uninformed.

To those concerned about how to these rights may affect your life and marriage simply remember, gay marriage is now legal, not mandatory.

Tolerating the Vegetarian

I have decided to teach my people  to grant more tolerance towards vegetarians. With the New Year around the corner I use this time of the year to gather up spare particles of patience and tolerance that I have not yet bestowed on unfavorable people and I decide which group to give it to.

Last year, I taught my people to be tolerant of girl scouts. This year, I learn to be tolerant of vegetarians.

In the past, vegetarians have been seen as incompetent hunters, poor cooks, unskilled butchers and generally unfortunate people that burden those around them.

It is important to consider, however, similar behaviors in other situations. When a person declines to take part in the consumption of alcohol and donated their share to the participants around them, they are regarded as the party martyr who stands alone in his quest for sobriety so his friends may savor the liquor of Dionysus.

Equally, when one is indulging in pleasures of the flesh, the friend that does not participate and instead gives wide birth for more assertive comrades to flaunt and attract mates, this friend is heralded as a grand ‘wing man’ that generously grants others the spoils of youth and attraction.

Finally, the vegetarian should be regarded in this way. As noble as the sober chauffer and as valiant as the sexless wingman, the vegetarian sacrifices his own enjoyment of life to let you enjoy all of the steaks roasted at your seasonal barbeque festivities.

Admittedly, the vegetarian is still the party pooper that his social relatives are. Just as the sober chauffer chides you for relieving yourself in an intersection from the window of his vehicle, and just as the sexless wingman complains belatedly about his role as the celibate comrade, the vegetarian too will drag on your festivities.

The vegetarian is likely to try to make his role in life look enjoyable and encourage you to convert under the knowledge that misery loves company. He may express this encouragement by bringing salad to your barbeque. Luckily the vegetarian is also weak and can be safely stored in a pantry until the party is ready for his antics again.

You have come to understand by now, that is will be difficult to enjoy the company of the vegetarian, but such affection is unnecessary anyhow. The fact that the vegetarian will not finish off your steak while you are savoring its succulent flavors is reason enough to tolerate the vegetarian.

And now, if I have had any success at all, I have taught my people how to be tolerant of the vegetarian.

Knight Rights

I have been encouraged to read the debates on the civil rights of homosexuals while replacing the word "gays" with my own name. This is to remind that gays are people and the arguments are made on how these people live their lives.

This challenge was meant to be moving and emotional. But as I read the list I could only consider it incredibly fitting and humorous at best.

"Knight should not be allowed to marry."
In the adult world of exclusive clubs that only allow two members (possibly 5 if you are Mormon), Knight is not allowed to participate. I can only visualize wedding limousines driving away with streamers and cans on string, with a sign in the back window that says "No Knights Allowed".

"Knight would not be a good parent."
If you wish to disagree with this, review my journals once more and consider these adventures with a young child clutching my hand. I have no doubt the child I raise would be happy, it is in fact society that would suffer if I spawned and raised a member of the next generation to follow in my footsteps.

"Knight can only raise more Knights."
Procreation is easily confused with spawning and direct cloning, from the government's perspective.

"Knight does not love, it is only lust."
How mysterious and brooding does this make me sound? And I appreciate that the debate made sure to mention that I still have sexual needs, my lack of love does not mean I am off the market, only that I am hard to get. Ladies.

"If Knight can marry, we should just let people marry animals."
I am almost completely certain this debate implies I am a tiger. Watch out, Ladies.

"Knight is what is wrong with this country."
We took a sharp turn from describing Knight as a brooding and mysterious sex tiger to declaring me as the singular flaw that makes this country wrong. Perhaps the compliment is hidden in the fact Knight is apparently very influential to have such impact.

"Knight is what is destroying the Western World."

I'm concerned that Congress is merely attempting to seduce me with such compliments overestimating my power and strength. Congress is writing a check that I cannot cash. How can one read "Knight, Destroyer of Worlds" and picture me bringing a country to its knees when I can barely do the same for my crush? This debate is certainly expecting more than what I can live up to.

"Knight is what destroyed the Roman Empire."
I would at this point declare that the debate has greatly overestimated the limitations of my power, but this could be based loosely on a fact. I am fairly certain I reduced a  Roman city's thriving population to 3 prostitutes and 4 donkeys while editing an article on Wikipedia one evening.

"Being Knight is a choice."
Indubitably the best choice I have ever made.


This is the most fun I have had with politics in a long time. It is wondrous that Mad Lib politics has not yet been created. So I shall consider it my duty to bring you additional articles of interest, with words replaced with more interesting words. However, firstly, I have a Ming Dynasty to destroy in the name of Knight.

Try to understand. It is a lifestyle.

Grand Apology

I've made no claim that I am a socially graceful or amicable person. My company is an acquired taste that requires a substantial tolerance.




My dearest friends belonged to a larger social circle that was well aware of me and mostly held distaste. On this one occasion my friends decided that they could rebuild all the bridges I had burned by encouraging me to issue an apology to every person I had wronged. By their estimations, I would need to apologize to every person that was currently within the adjoining room for festivities.

With hope and good will, my friends moved me into the main room and provided their silent moral support in the form of nods and smiles.

I step forward to the nearest person, a young woman who annoyed me as much as I annoyed her, "Hello, I'm sorry that you never understand my jokes. I'll try to say them slower for you in the future." Her jaw drops and I turn to her loyal friend, "I'm sorry you fail so often. I will do my best to inform you of your mistakes while they can still be reversed, in the future."

I leave them to find the next group of party participants that shared my mutual friends. I found a ring leader, "Hello, I'm sorry you lack the self confidence to do anything alone, but don't worry, I'm sure your friends haven't noticed yet." To the brown noser, "I'm sorry you are such a suck up, but don't be discouraged, no body does it better than you."

I informed the lonely chauvinist, "I'm sorry you're always alone, you have to admit, you do sort of deserve it."
I told the 'edgy' ones "I'm sorry for your bad taste in music and fashion. Avoid being in pictures and you should be fine."

I managed to give possibly 10 personal apologies that fully applied to each person I addressed. But my apologies were making the crowd hostile and their short tempers were nearing their limit. A friend of mine saw fit to intervene and quickly remove me from the room before the sincerity of the apologies could escalate any further.

Outside of the room I was dismissed of the requirement to apologize to the plethora of people I was originally sent to. I may have even been let off the hook for having to apologize ever, the specifics are unclear. As far as I know, the friends of mine that remained in the party placated the many others and issued the remainder of the apologies on my behalf.

The plan to apologize my way into friendship never did succeed, as far as I'm aware, their extended social circle dislikes me as much as ever. But the good-will aspirations of my friends are so adorable, I'll play along with their next crazy plan just the same. Rascals.

How to Make People Think You Aren't Shallow

A Shallow Human's Guide To Being Not Shallow At All:
Making people think you aren't shallow.

Generally, people are shallow creatures that are concerned with the immediately visible traits of a potential interest. Humans fantasize about having a beautiful partner on their arm and when they come across an old lover they can say "I didn't see you there, I apologize I was simply so distracted with my new beautiful lover."

However, humans are also concerned with our own appearance socially. "Shallow" has equated to being less intelligent, because you must be stupid to be captivated with the beauty of a goddess. The notion that being shallow is bad is actually a grand scheme devised by ugly women.

Women insist that they are all unique and special snowflakes. The fact is that the majority of women are "average" and another great portion of women are "unnattractive" and only an elite group are truly beautiful. The lesser women have grouped together and created the law that if you are shallow, you are a dirty dirty boy and women will shun you. The women believe that they are all beautiful in their own way and if you are not interested in them you are simply not deep enough to understand their beauty and so you have commited a serious crime of being shallow.

It is important to make people believe you are not shallow at all, while continuing to date the women of your dreams. Luckily, there are deeper attachments to nearly every shallow feature.

Now that we have that down we can move onto how to address shallow issues in a deeper way.

I only date skinny girls. Instead say:  I prefer athletic girls that take care of their bodies, it is a huge turn on for me when a girl eats right and exorcizes appropriately.
I'm sorry, you're too fat for me. Instead say: No, it's not that you're fat. I find your slothful behavior disgusting, your food portions are repugnant and your body is a consistent reminder of how little you care about your health. I cannot bear to watch you do this to yourself a moment longer, I must go.

I only date girls close to my age. Instead say: I like girls that share my love for particular child hood memories of saturday cartoons we grew up with.
I'm sorry, you're too young for me.  Instead say: You aren't old enough to go to any of my favorite clubs, how are we supposed to bond?
I'm sorry, you're too old for me. Instead say: You find all of my new age pop music offensive when I try to serenade you with meaningful lyrics, how are we supposed to express our love?
I only date blonde haired girls. Instead say: I like girls that have a bright look about them, sunny and friendly, something welcoming and conventional.
I'm sorry, your hair is too dark for me. Instead say: I support a mainstream part of society that values Anglo-saxon heritage and features. It is fine if you don't wish to participate in this culture, but it is an important part of my life symbolized by thick and beautiful blonde hair.

I only date girls with nice boobs. Instead say: I appreciate a girl who does what it takes to keep every part of her body youthful and attractive.
I'm sorry, your boobs are far too saggy for me. Instead say: It seems that you don't consider the long term effects of misusing tools. Your consistent lack of bra wearing to the point of your breasts hanging to your waist is a warning to me that you will fail to commit to caring for other things in your possession.

I only date women with a lot of money. Instead say: Women with career and life plans who budget well and know how to handle their assets are exciting and alluring.
I'm sorry, you are too poor for me. Instead say: You spend irresponsibly and you don't work hard enough to increase your value as a working person, this lack of dedication is an incompatible flaw that will divide us.

I only date women that (don't) follow (Religion). Instead say: How a woman defines her moral rock and lives her life is an important aspect of judging our compatibility.
I'm sorry, you are too religious for me. Instead say: I feel that you do not correspond to logic in the same was that I do and I fear that you will judge me harshly when you feel I am wrong and intend to upset me by telling me your imaginary friend also believes I am wrong.

Hopefully these will be enough to start you off on finding the girl you're interested in dating. Remind yourself, most of the time women are just accusing you of being shallow instead of crediting your ability to value her priorities and personality based on her appearance and how she conducts herself.

Unless you really are a shallow person and you'll reject a person because you like slate gray eyes and the person that loves you has pale blue eyes. In that case, just stay single. But if you're that type of shallow that is looking for someone beautiful to make an old lover jealous, then you should probably hire someone beautiful to pretend to love you and your precocious jealous nature.

~Knight