Grand Apology

I've made no claim that I am a socially graceful or amicable person. My company is an acquired taste that requires a substantial tolerance.




My dearest friends belonged to a larger social circle that was well aware of me and mostly held distaste. On this one occasion my friends decided that they could rebuild all the bridges I had burned by encouraging me to issue an apology to every person I had wronged. By their estimations, I would need to apologize to every person that was currently within the adjoining room for festivities.

With hope and good will, my friends moved me into the main room and provided their silent moral support in the form of nods and smiles.

I step forward to the nearest person, a young woman who annoyed me as much as I annoyed her, "Hello, I'm sorry that you never understand my jokes. I'll try to say them slower for you in the future." Her jaw drops and I turn to her loyal friend, "I'm sorry you fail so often. I will do my best to inform you of your mistakes while they can still be reversed, in the future."

I leave them to find the next group of party participants that shared my mutual friends. I found a ring leader, "Hello, I'm sorry you lack the self confidence to do anything alone, but don't worry, I'm sure your friends haven't noticed yet." To the brown noser, "I'm sorry you are such a suck up, but don't be discouraged, no body does it better than you."

I informed the lonely chauvinist, "I'm sorry you're always alone, you have to admit, you do sort of deserve it."
I told the 'edgy' ones "I'm sorry for your bad taste in music and fashion. Avoid being in pictures and you should be fine."

I managed to give possibly 10 personal apologies that fully applied to each person I addressed. But my apologies were making the crowd hostile and their short tempers were nearing their limit. A friend of mine saw fit to intervene and quickly remove me from the room before the sincerity of the apologies could escalate any further.

Outside of the room I was dismissed of the requirement to apologize to the plethora of people I was originally sent to. I may have even been let off the hook for having to apologize ever, the specifics are unclear. As far as I know, the friends of mine that remained in the party placated the many others and issued the remainder of the apologies on my behalf.

The plan to apologize my way into friendship never did succeed, as far as I'm aware, their extended social circle dislikes me as much as ever. But the good-will aspirations of my friends are so adorable, I'll play along with their next crazy plan just the same. Rascals.

Blasphemy

A story as magical as the creation of man deserves nothing less than an artistic portrayal to express what so many gentiles loyally worship.


The one known as "God" promptly got to work, gathered supplies and started creating. He turned on the lights so that he could see what he was doing and called this day of progress Day 1.

Day 2 became the day of the big drink. When making arts and crafts it is important to remain hydrated. Day 3 he drank most of the Ocean and the Earth rock was poking through again, but he considered this progress and said he created this dry land, good job, God.

By Day 4 he realized no one was keeping track of the amount of time that passed because it took him until now to create the Sun and the Moon and stars. So he quickly assembled those as well and got them spinning then informed everyone he'd certainly been working 4 days now. Who are we to think God wouldn't keep reliable records of his work shift?

Day 5 He created animals and of course on Day 6 He created the humans and Day 7 He refused to cease telling all of the angels how awesome they were.

God elaborated on the superior nature of the creatures, "I created them in my image. They look just like me, don't they?"

The Angels reluctantly nodded, keeping to themselves how much the humans looked like primates with mange or Alopecia Areata.

God ran to the kitchen, declaring, "I shall display my art all across the refrigerator so that everybody can see!"

The Angels averted their gaze and held their tongues, but the most beautiful angel of all, Lucifer, was beginning to be very annoyed.

God then announced, "It has been decided, I shall make 6 Billion of these humans and I shall cover the Earth with them! Are they not simply the most amazing creation ever?"

Lucifer then spoke, "God, you are a giant Twat. These humans are a plague."

With rage and fury God stamped his feet and flung his hands. He cried and insisted that this was a horrible and vile lie meant to hurt him and demanded that Lucifer take it back. God, in his infinite wisdom understood that he had not yet invented constructive criticism and being God, everything he made was absolutely perfect and he could not possibly do wrong, so how dare Lucifer question his creation. He expressed to Lucifer his pained disappointment.

God created the burning depths of hell and hurled Lucifer into it's depths. And because God is most certainly not a spoiled child or opinionated or at all unstable, we can wholly agree that our loving father, God, is grand and merciful and Lucifer is the most horrible evil thing that ever existed (despite also being created by God...)

What Society (Apparently) Wants In A Woman

I've spent enough time with society to learn about some of the surprising disorders that society cant wait for women to suffer from, after all, it's part of being attractive and desirable to men. A compiled list of the primary flaws of women will guide future women on how to be less unattractive.

Hair: The first thing that men want you to stop doing, is growing hair. Cease those foolish antics, what do you think you are? Some living decedent of an ancestor related to primates? Not in the modern man's fantasy you aren't. What you need is a disorder known as Alopecia Areata, and do your best to suffer from this diagnosis at least from nose down. This conditions leave humans with an inability to grow hair in spontaneous patches formed on their skin, but hopefully just where society deems it unattractive. 

Defecating: most males seem to have an unnatural abhorrence towards females defecating, considering it is generally accepted as a normal human act. The ideal situation is for the women to have a digestive complication or colon block. That is one very attractive diagnosis.

After a short while of being unable to evacuate the bowels, women will likely begin to suffer from fecal halitosis, an elegant phrase to describe a smell emitting from the mouth reminiscent of fecal matter and foreboding of what is to come. Next is the colorful display of fecal vomiting. Most forms of orally ejecting the contents of your body have been playfully named 'spitting rainbows'. But this is significantly less impressive than a rainbow, it is brown. It is fecal matter. Don't lose hope, you've made great progress by no longer actually defecating, you simply throw up in a disgusting mess often instead.

Eating:  Men provide women with conflicting information on this, assuring you they want you to eat but sending mixed messages that  can leave the idea convoluted. The truth is that it is ideally attractive for you to eat just enough for men to believe that you are not dying of starvation. It may be recommended that women take up a diet of Altos breath mints in order to counter the taste and smell of fecal halitosis.

Menstrual Cycle: With this horrible flaw in women you at least have a few options in how you may regain the favorable attention of men by removing this trait. The first and most natural method to being a beautiful woman without a menstrual cycle, is to be a child, if you're already failing at being 8 years old again then you can try being old and decrepit.
If neither of these options suit you, you can try being constantly pregnant. The constant septic state of your body should mean your offspring will perish long before they damage your womanly figure.
Assuming pregnancy is not an option, there is one final solution. Ovarian cancer or cervical cancer will most certainly clear up that fertility problem.
If at all possible, a woman may seek as many of these options as possible and try as many of them at once to be extra attractive to men.

By the small chance that you may be trying to live up to these standards, I'm sure at some point upon the list, a few things may have become clear.  The society that thought out this list of what is and is not attractive in human women may not have a very clear understanding of what a human woman is. Whether or not they have actually seen a human woman in real life is debatable.

If the community that decided on these traits are familiar with human women, one may venture to say they foster an intense dislike for women and prefer to see them in the final stages of emaciation and death.

You cannot fool me, mainstream society and unrealistic demands. I intend to keep my companions safe, and far away from your nefarious Cosmopolitan magazines!