Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What Society (Apparently) Wants In A Woman





I've spent enough time with society to learn about some of the surprising disorders that society cant wait for women to suffer from, after all, it's part of being attractive and desirable to men. A compiled list of the primary flaws of women will guide future women on how to be less unattractive.

Hair: The first thing that men want you to stop doing, is growing hair. Cease those foolish antics, what do you think you are? Some living decedent of an ancestor related to primates? Not in the modern man's fantasy you aren't. What you need is a disorder known as Alopecia Areata, and do your best to suffer from this diagnosis at least from nose down. This conditions leave humans with an inability to grow hair in spontaneous patches formed on their skin, but hopefully just where society deems it unattractive. 

Defecating: most males seem to have an unnatural abhorrence towards females defecating, considering it is generally accepted as a normal human act. The ideal situation is for the women to have a digestive complication or colon block. That is one very attractive diagnosis.


After a short while of being unable to evacuate the bowels, women will likely begin to suffer from fecal halitosis, an elegant phrase to describe a smell emitting from the mouth reminiscent of fecal matter and foreboding of what is to come. Next is the colorful display of fecal vomiting. Most forms of orally ejecting the contents of your body have been playfully named 'spitting rainbows'. But this is significantly less impressive than a rainbow, it is brown. It is fecal matter. Don't lose hope, you've made great progress by no longer actually defecating, you simply throw up in a disgusting mess often instead.


Eating:  Men provide women with conflicting information on this, assuring you they want you to eat but sending mixed messages that  can leave the idea convoluted. The truth is that it is ideally attractive for you to eat just enough for men to believe that you are not dying of starvation. It may be recommended that women take up a diet of Altos breath mints in order to counter the taste and smell of fecal halitosis.


Menstrual Cycle: With this horrible flaw in women you at least have a few options in how you may regain the favorable attention of men by removing this trait. The first and most natural method to being a beautiful woman without a menstrual cycle, is to be a child, if you're already failing at being 8 years old again then you can try being old and decrepit.
If neither of these options suit you, you can try being constantly pregnant. The constant septic state of your body should mean your offspring will perish long before they damage your womanly figure.
Assuming pregnancy is not an option, there is one final solution. Ovarian cancer or cervical cancer will most certainly clear up that fertility problem.
If at all possible, a woman may seek as many of these options as possible and try as many of them at once to be extra attractive to men.


By the small chance that you may be trying to live up to these standards, I'm sure at some point upon the list, a few things may have become clear.  The society that thought out this list of what is and is not attractive in human women may not have a very clear understanding of what a human woman is. Whether or not they have actually seen a human woman in real life is debatable.

If the community that decided on these traits are familiar with human women, one may venture to say they foster an intense dislike for women and prefer to see them in the final stages of emaciation and death.

You cannot fool me, mainstream society and unrealistic demands. I intend to keep my companions safe, and far away from your nefarious Cosmopolitan magazines!

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