Blasphemy

A story as magical as the creation of man deserves nothing less than an artistic portrayal to express what so many gentiles loyally worship.


The one known as "God" promptly got to work, gathered supplies and started creating. He turned on the lights so that he could see what he was doing and called this day of progress Day 1.

Day 2 became the day of the big drink. When making arts and crafts it is important to remain hydrated. Day 3 he drank most of the Ocean and the Earth rock was poking through again, but he considered this progress and said he created this dry land, good job, God.

By Day 4 he realized no one was keeping track of the amount of time that passed because it took him until now to create the Sun and the Moon and stars. So he quickly assembled those as well and got them spinning then informed everyone he'd certainly been working 4 days now. Who are we to think God wouldn't keep reliable records of his work shift?

Day 5 He created animals and of course on Day 6 He created the humans and Day 7 He refused to cease telling all of the angels how awesome they were.

God elaborated on the superior nature of the creatures, "I created them in my image. They look just like me, don't they?"

The Angels reluctantly nodded, keeping to themselves how much the humans looked like primates with mange or Alopecia Areata.

God ran to the kitchen, declaring, "I shall display my art all across the refrigerator so that everybody can see!"

The Angels averted their gaze and held their tongues, but the most beautiful angel of all, Lucifer, was beginning to be very annoyed.

God then announced, "It has been decided, I shall make 6 Billion of these humans and I shall cover the Earth with them! Are they not simply the most amazing creation ever?"

Lucifer then spoke, "God, you are a giant Twat. These humans are a plague."

With rage and fury God stamped his feet and flung his hands. He cried and insisted that this was a horrible and vile lie meant to hurt him and demanded that Lucifer take it back. God, in his infinite wisdom understood that he had not yet invented constructive criticism and being God, everything he made was absolutely perfect and he could not possibly do wrong, so how dare Lucifer question his creation. He expressed to Lucifer his pained disappointment.

God created the burning depths of hell and hurled Lucifer into it's depths. And because God is most certainly not a spoiled child or opinionated or at all unstable, we can wholly agree that our loving father, God, is grand and merciful and Lucifer is the most horrible evil thing that ever existed (despite also being created by God...)

I Think You're Lying To Me

You may have intended to be honest... but... I think you're lying to me...

There are many times in my life when there are elaborate debates, compromises or wordy responses that are necessary for the event that has been presented before me. But sometimes, as rare as it may be, I will stare at a situation and the only response I can muster is, "I think you're lying to me."

For example, I was entertaining the company of an obnoxious young woman with poorly treated hair resembling the hair pulled from a shower drain, slicked with grease onto her face. Her looks were unfavorable but her personality was far worse, and she declared "I hate men, they're always hitting on me and trying to get me to marry them." To which I could only respond,

 "I think you're lying to me."

A friend of mine was lamenting that he 'never gets the girl' and when I suggested that he may have better luck if he asked out girls that are available, he responded "Single or available means nothing to me, because girls used to cheat on their boyfriends all the time just to get with me, they wanted me so bad, and I know how to give them what they want." To which I could only respond,

"I think you're lying to me."

A classmate of mine that often battled with her body shape and appearance began excitedly telling me how many pounds she'd lost during that week, "10 pounds on Monday, 5 pounds on Tuesday, 7 pounds on Wednesday, 4 pounds on Thursday, and 5 pounds today. It's really starting to show." To which I could only respond, 

"I think you're lying to me."

It is not always a story that requires context. Sometimes just a simple statement you hear made in your vicinity will garner the same response.

"White makes most people look fat, but I always look good in white."

"I think you're lying to me."

"In this photo, I really look like Beyonce."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Don't worry, you look great in that!"

"I think you're lying to me."

"It's not you, it's me." 

"I think you're lying to me."

"Nah, that's just a cold sore."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"I think you're lying to me."

" I'm a professional."

"I think you're lying to me."

"I know you want me."

"I think you're lying to me."

At times the situation doesn't even require a full statement. A simple photograph or image that you come across will do the trick. Observe.

"I think you're lying to me..."

 "..."

 This phrase is so accurately the best response to many situations that might otherwise require you to tenderly remove a glove and strike the being the spawns such annoyances. Prepare yourself to respond to the various questionable statements you'll come across and practice on what is most likely to be the next lie you'll hear...