New Friends

I read in an article that members of small tribes in South America, and sometimes participants of church groups in other parts of the world, may have longer life spans. It was believed that social interaction can keep a person "young", or at least more active.

I never had many friends, and in fact on once occasion when I was informed that my friend was on the phone to contact me, I replied "Which friend? I have two." This article presented the idea to me that I could perhaps benefit from having a surplus of friends.

I went forth with the intention of making many friends. I introduced myself to strangers, I participated in social events and I introduced myself to more strangers at these events. In the time since I made this decision to collect friends, I have developed a grand network.

One evening, one of my original two friends and I considered the social circle I now belonged to. She inquired, "Now that you have these friends, what will you do with them?"

Perhaps this step of the plan was poorly constructed. The article I had read lacked clear instructions on how to secure a long life by having a social community.

Finally I replied, "I will harvest their life energy and live forever, I suppose."

Friends are a valuable source when it comes to having a long and worthy life.

Proper Use of Offensive Terms

We live in a very easy to offend society and simultaniously very offensive society. There are people using terms to describe unpleasant or distasteful things with a derogatory statement of "That's gay" or "that's retarded" or "She's just so... black" [quote "Baby Got Back, courtesy Sir Mix-A-Lot.]

To help people in this troubling time, I have included improper uses of these words as examples of situations to avoid; and proper uses ofthese words as examples to emulate.


Gay:

Improper use,
"I stayed in last night and watched a movie with my girlfriend."
"That's gay."
Proper use,
"I forgot about guy night because I was fondling my boyfriend."
"That's gay."

Improper use,
"I prepared a gourmet salad with fresh organic ingredients!"
"That's gay"

Proper use, 
"I had sex with that cucumber and pretended it was Niel Patrick Harris."
"That's gay."

Retarded:

Improper use, 
"For the upcoming fiscal year I will invest money in cigarettes. Either this generation dies young but I become wildly successful, or this generation lives a long and healthy life and I make a trivial amount of money."
"You're retarded."
Proper use,
 "Guhhh.... My fingers smell like money which is impopable because mom doesn't let me eat money anymore."
"You're retarded."

Black:

Improper use, "I spent all day hustlin! I'm covered in chains and ice!"
"You're so black."

Proper use, "I spent all day working in a coal mine. I'm covered in carbon deposits!"
"You're so black!"

Woman:
Improper use,
 "Ouch! I just hurt my back lifting this bag!"
"You're such a woman."
Proper use,
"Ouch! I just hurt my back lifting my massive breasts!"
"You're such a woman."

Improper use, 
"Long hair makes me feel attractive."
"You're such a woman."
Proper use, 
"Long hair draws attention to my estrogen laden features and emphasizes a soft feminine quality to my countenance."
"You're such a woman."

Knight Rights

I have been encouraged to read the debates on the civil rights of homosexuals while replacing the word "gays" with my own name. This is to remind that gays are people and the arguments are made on how these people live their lives.

This challenge was meant to be moving and emotional. But as I read the list I could only consider it incredibly fitting and humorous at best.

"Knight should not be allowed to marry."
In the adult world of exclusive clubs that only allow two members (possibly 5 if you are Mormon), Knight is not allowed to participate. I can only visualize wedding limousines driving away with streamers and cans on string, with a sign in the back window that says "No Knights Allowed".

"Knight would not be a good parent."
If you wish to disagree with this, review my journals once more and consider these adventures with a young child clutching my hand. I have no doubt the child I raise would be happy, it is in fact society that would suffer if I spawned and raised a member of the next generation to follow in my footsteps.

"Knight can only raise more Knights."
Procreation is easily confused with spawning and direct cloning, from the government's perspective.

"Knight does not love, it is only lust."
How mysterious and brooding does this make me sound? And I appreciate that the debate made sure to mention that I still have sexual needs, my lack of love does not mean I am off the market, only that I am hard to get. Ladies.

"If Knight can marry, we should just let people marry animals."
I am almost completely certain this debate implies I am a tiger. Watch out, Ladies.

"Knight is what is wrong with this country."
We took a sharp turn from describing Knight as a brooding and mysterious sex tiger to declaring me as the singular flaw that makes this country wrong. Perhaps the compliment is hidden in the fact Knight is apparently very influential to have such impact.

"Knight is what is destroying the Western World."

I'm concerned that Congress is merely attempting to seduce me with such compliments overestimating my power and strength. Congress is writing a check that I cannot cash. How can one read "Knight, Destroyer of Worlds" and picture me bringing a country to its knees when I can barely do the same for my crush? This debate is certainly expecting more than what I can live up to.

"Knight is what destroyed the Roman Empire."
I would at this point declare that the debate has greatly overestimated the limitations of my power, but this could be based loosely on a fact. I am fairly certain I reduced a  Roman city's thriving population to 3 prostitutes and 4 donkeys while editing an article on Wikipedia one evening.

"Being Knight is a choice."
Indubitably the best choice I have ever made.


This is the most fun I have had with politics in a long time. It is wondrous that Mad Lib politics has not yet been created. So I shall consider it my duty to bring you additional articles of interest, with words replaced with more interesting words. However, firstly, I have a Ming Dynasty to destroy in the name of Knight.

Try to understand. It is a lifestyle.