Impossible, Yet Sexy, Party Tricks

Among a mature crowd, attention is gained through party tricks that incite the rampant imaginations of peers. (Keep in mind, this is a mature crowd, but by no means a classy selection of people.)

A trick we are all familiar with is when one takes a cherry from their midori sour and ties the stem in a knot using only their tongue and teeth. This trick inspires the party to imagine that the performer is a very bored person with ample amounts of time to learn mundane tricks, and will likely be grateful for any company.

A party I attended had the appropriate ingredients for party tricks to break out at any moment: men with beer and women in want of beer.

The scene featured my friend, Cameron, sitting beside me with a bottle of beer tucked between his thighs. His girlfriend appeared to him, drawn forth by the call of weak alcohol. An idea was all at once conceived between expressions of the eye, and she knelt on the floor with the intention of drinking the beer from the lewd location in which it was placed.

Tipping the bottle for a drink would require adjusting the bottle into a flaccid, and thus less alluring, position. A moment's hesitation revealed that there was some confusion as to how to do this in a sexy manner. With entirely diplomatic and helpful motives (do not question me) I suggested, "You should put your lips over the mouth of the bottle and suck hard enough to lift the liquid."

No sooner suggested than it was done. The dame placed her mouth over the bottle, and her cheeks hollowed. The party stilled and everyone watched in intrigue at her earnest attempts.

Unsurprisingly, the suction of her mouth was unable to conquer Earth's gravitational pull on the beer and she was unable to imbibe the beverage.

Cameron admitted that had she been able to, it may have been more of a terrifying display than an alluring performance. He hypothesized that had her suction pressure been so immense, felatio could very well be an excruciating act administered by the most terrible vacuum/plunger to exist. His semen might have been extracted immediately with one soul crushing suck.

Of course there are multiple horrifying alternatives to imagine. Currently the internet provides few helpful sources for what will happen to a delicate appendage such as a penis in a vacuum chamber.

With my current knowledge I could predict a reasonable amount of expansion and my influence from low budget action movies lead me to imagine the penis promptly expanding and exploding. Of course it is important to remember that the boiling point of liquids lowers in tandem with pressure so that in this vacuum the blood that once filled this unfortunate appendage will immediately be converted into a red steamy mist most suitable for this level of carnage.

The best case scenario is played out in this video featuring a man formed from marshmallows, expanding rapidly within a vacuum. He reaches his maximum girth at which point he pops and deflates. Do not let the content smile drawn on his face deceive you, no person would be smiling in the event of a sexual favor becoming a sadistic act of science.

As you have no doubt realized, this entry is not a sexual examination of party tricks. (I may venture to say it is a scientific analysis of a failed innuendo.) On the offhand chance that this is an extremely titillating party fetish of yours, I leave you with the knowledge that there are many videos of marshmallows in vacuum chambers, and I ask that you use this knowledge for good.

New Friends

I read in an article that members of small tribes in South America, and sometimes participants of church groups in other parts of the world, may have longer life spans. It was believed that social interaction can keep a person "young", or at least more active.

I never had many friends, and in fact on once occasion when I was informed that my friend was on the phone to contact me, I replied "Which friend? I have two." This article presented the idea to me that I could perhaps benefit from having a surplus of friends.

I went forth with the intention of making many friends. I introduced myself to strangers, I participated in social events and I introduced myself to more strangers at these events. In the time since I made this decision to collect friends, I have developed a grand network.

One evening, one of my original two friends and I considered the social circle I now belonged to. She inquired, "Now that you have these friends, what will you do with them?"

Perhaps this step of the plan was poorly constructed. The article I had read lacked clear instructions on how to secure a long life by having a social community.

Finally I replied, "I will harvest their life energy and live forever, I suppose."

Friends are a valuable source when it comes to having a long and worthy life.

A Small Friend for a Small Man

As a previous entry illustrated, my rabbit developed adult needs and interests. Considering that my rabbit is more of a hermit than I am and never goes anyplace to meet people, it was up to me to find some outlet for my small friend's sexual frustrations.

A friend of my own accompanied me to a retail outlet where we could observe various options for my animal.

"Invest in a penguin" suggested one friend. "There aren't arms and knobs and tails to get in the way, they like that." There was apparently more of a science to this than I anticipated.

I found a penguin chick that was small and fluffy and a very good size for the rabbit. But it was in that young "just hatched" phase and I wasn't sure if my rabbit liked them so young. I like to believe he prefers his toy factory partners to have a little more maturity.

There was an emperor penguin which was a bit larger and had some nice curves, but I doubted my rabbit would be inclined towards the sexual dimorphism patterns of humans. In fact, I liked to believe my rabbit was not a fan of inter-species copulation at all.

The decision was made to find the best stuffed rabbit available. Many options were brought forward. The first stuffed rabbit we came across was a shy looking thing with a modest mousy color. I quickly spotted dust bunnies clinging to the fur that told of a much harder life than the innocent tale her face implied.

Friends brought before me additional options. The next rabbit to face my judgement was a soft creature suitable for nuzzling a small child's cheek, though her position implied she was into more adult activities. She certainly looked like she was in need of a home and some stability, and perhaps my rabbit and her would have gotten along fine. Yet, she seemed like the type to want to whisper sweet nothings and look tenderly into the eyes of one another, with her legs spread eagle. I distinctly recall my rabbit preferred to not make eye contact during the second and a half that he is sexually engaged. He is the "hit it and quit it" type, and it would certainly break this gentle stuffed animal's heart to subject her to such usage.

The last two to be presented to me were a close tie. One was of a similar breed to my rabbit, modestly bowed like a round little pod of rabbit fluff. But ultimately... I made the call where it needed to be made. I decided on the rabbit with the preferable rear. If my rabbit's tastes are anything like mine then he would appreciate the curves of this rabbit, no matter the fact that the stuffed animal is at least twice as large as he. "More to love" lets say.

The prize was thus delivered to my rabbit and my comrades and I retreated to allow him to get to know her in privacy. I couldn't be certain how long it would take for  this rabbit and his new mate to reach that level of the relationship. After all, I have had my rabbit for upwards of two years before he made such inclinations towards my arm.

Some hours later my comrade crossed paths with the little rabbits in courtship and discovered my pet mounting his fuzzy partner in the most vigorous and eager manner. We all came to watch and see for ourselves as well as to cheer him on- he did not stop, possessing no sense of decency or privacy when in such a state.

By now we have long since lost track of how many times the two have sealed their union with fornication, but I have have been concerned from time to time that the rabbit may be so interested in his companion he could forget to eat. If that be the case I should congratulate myself for being such an excellent match-maker.

Proper Use of Offensive Terms

We live in a very easy to offend society and simultaniously very offensive society. There are people using terms to describe unpleasant or distasteful things with a derogatory statement of "That's gay" or "that's retarded" or "She's just so... black" [quote "Baby Got Back, courtesy Sir Mix-A-Lot.]

To help people in this troubling time, I have included improper uses of these words as examples of situations to avoid; and proper uses ofthese words as examples to emulate.


Gay:

Improper use,
"I stayed in last night and watched a movie with my girlfriend."
"That's gay."
Proper use,
"I forgot about guy night because I was fondling my boyfriend."
"That's gay."

Improper use,
"I prepared a gourmet salad with fresh organic ingredients!"
"That's gay"

Proper use, 
"I had sex with that cucumber and pretended it was Niel Patrick Harris."
"That's gay."

Retarded:

Improper use, 
"For the upcoming fiscal year I will invest money in cigarettes. Either this generation dies young but I become wildly successful, or this generation lives a long and healthy life and I make a trivial amount of money."
"You're retarded."
Proper use,
 "Guhhh.... My fingers smell like money which is impopable because mom doesn't let me eat money anymore."
"You're retarded."

Black:

Improper use, "I spent all day hustlin! I'm covered in chains and ice!"
"You're so black."

Proper use, "I spent all day working in a coal mine. I'm covered in carbon deposits!"
"You're so black!"

Woman:
Improper use,
 "Ouch! I just hurt my back lifting this bag!"
"You're such a woman."
Proper use,
"Ouch! I just hurt my back lifting my massive breasts!"
"You're such a woman."

Improper use, 
"Long hair makes me feel attractive."
"You're such a woman."
Proper use, 
"Long hair draws attention to my estrogen laden features and emphasizes a soft feminine quality to my countenance."
"You're such a woman."

Knight Rights

I have been encouraged to read the debates on the civil rights of homosexuals while replacing the word "gays" with my own name. This is to remind that gays are people and the arguments are made on how these people live their lives.

This challenge was meant to be moving and emotional. But as I read the list I could only consider it incredibly fitting and humorous at best.

"Knight should not be allowed to marry."
In the adult world of exclusive clubs that only allow two members (possibly 5 if you are Mormon), Knight is not allowed to participate. I can only visualize wedding limousines driving away with streamers and cans on string, with a sign in the back window that says "No Knights Allowed".

"Knight would not be a good parent."
If you wish to disagree with this, review my journals once more and consider these adventures with a young child clutching my hand. I have no doubt the child I raise would be happy, it is in fact society that would suffer if I spawned and raised a member of the next generation to follow in my footsteps.

"Knight can only raise more Knights."
Procreation is easily confused with spawning and direct cloning, from the government's perspective.

"Knight does not love, it is only lust."
How mysterious and brooding does this make me sound? And I appreciate that the debate made sure to mention that I still have sexual needs, my lack of love does not mean I am off the market, only that I am hard to get. Ladies.

"If Knight can marry, we should just let people marry animals."
I am almost completely certain this debate implies I am a tiger. Watch out, Ladies.

"Knight is what is wrong with this country."
We took a sharp turn from describing Knight as a brooding and mysterious sex tiger to declaring me as the singular flaw that makes this country wrong. Perhaps the compliment is hidden in the fact Knight is apparently very influential to have such impact.

"Knight is what is destroying the Western World."

I'm concerned that Congress is merely attempting to seduce me with such compliments overestimating my power and strength. Congress is writing a check that I cannot cash. How can one read "Knight, Destroyer of Worlds" and picture me bringing a country to its knees when I can barely do the same for my crush? This debate is certainly expecting more than what I can live up to.

"Knight is what destroyed the Roman Empire."
I would at this point declare that the debate has greatly overestimated the limitations of my power, but this could be based loosely on a fact. I am fairly certain I reduced a  Roman city's thriving population to 3 prostitutes and 4 donkeys while editing an article on Wikipedia one evening.

"Being Knight is a choice."
Indubitably the best choice I have ever made.


This is the most fun I have had with politics in a long time. It is wondrous that Mad Lib politics has not yet been created. So I shall consider it my duty to bring you additional articles of interest, with words replaced with more interesting words. However, firstly, I have a Ming Dynasty to destroy in the name of Knight.

Try to understand. It is a lifestyle.