Grand Apology

I've made no claim that I am a socially graceful or amicable person. My company is an acquired taste that requires a substantial tolerance.




My dearest friends belonged to a larger social circle that was well aware of me and mostly held distaste. On this one occasion my friends decided that they could rebuild all the bridges I had burned by encouraging me to issue an apology to every person I had wronged. By their estimations, I would need to apologize to every person that was currently within the adjoining room for festivities.

With hope and good will, my friends moved me into the main room and provided their silent moral support in the form of nods and smiles.

I step forward to the nearest person, a young woman who annoyed me as much as I annoyed her, "Hello, I'm sorry that you never understand my jokes. I'll try to say them slower for you in the future." Her jaw drops and I turn to her loyal friend, "I'm sorry you fail so often. I will do my best to inform you of your mistakes while they can still be reversed, in the future."

I leave them to find the next group of party participants that shared my mutual friends. I found a ring leader, "Hello, I'm sorry you lack the self confidence to do anything alone, but don't worry, I'm sure your friends haven't noticed yet." To the brown noser, "I'm sorry you are such a suck up, but don't be discouraged, no body does it better than you."

I informed the lonely chauvinist, "I'm sorry you're always alone, you have to admit, you do sort of deserve it."
I told the 'edgy' ones "I'm sorry for your bad taste in music and fashion. Avoid being in pictures and you should be fine."

I managed to give possibly 10 personal apologies that fully applied to each person I addressed. But my apologies were making the crowd hostile and their short tempers were nearing their limit. A friend of mine saw fit to intervene and quickly remove me from the room before the sincerity of the apologies could escalate any further.

Outside of the room I was dismissed of the requirement to apologize to the plethora of people I was originally sent to. I may have even been let off the hook for having to apologize ever, the specifics are unclear. As far as I know, the friends of mine that remained in the party placated the many others and issued the remainder of the apologies on my behalf.

The plan to apologize my way into friendship never did succeed, as far as I'm aware, their extended social circle dislikes me as much as ever. But the good-will aspirations of my friends are so adorable, I'll play along with their next crazy plan just the same. Rascals.

Blasphemy

A story as magical as the creation of man deserves nothing less than an artistic portrayal to express what so many gentiles loyally worship.


The one known as "God" promptly got to work, gathered supplies and started creating. He turned on the lights so that he could see what he was doing and called this day of progress Day 1.

Day 2 became the day of the big drink. When making arts and crafts it is important to remain hydrated. Day 3 he drank most of the Ocean and the Earth rock was poking through again, but he considered this progress and said he created this dry land, good job, God.

By Day 4 he realized no one was keeping track of the amount of time that passed because it took him until now to create the Sun and the Moon and stars. So he quickly assembled those as well and got them spinning then informed everyone he'd certainly been working 4 days now. Who are we to think God wouldn't keep reliable records of his work shift?

Day 5 He created animals and of course on Day 6 He created the humans and Day 7 He refused to cease telling all of the angels how awesome they were.

God elaborated on the superior nature of the creatures, "I created them in my image. They look just like me, don't they?"

The Angels reluctantly nodded, keeping to themselves how much the humans looked like primates with mange or Alopecia Areata.

God ran to the kitchen, declaring, "I shall display my art all across the refrigerator so that everybody can see!"

The Angels averted their gaze and held their tongues, but the most beautiful angel of all, Lucifer, was beginning to be very annoyed.

God then announced, "It has been decided, I shall make 6 Billion of these humans and I shall cover the Earth with them! Are they not simply the most amazing creation ever?"

Lucifer then spoke, "God, you are a giant Twat. These humans are a plague."

With rage and fury God stamped his feet and flung his hands. He cried and insisted that this was a horrible and vile lie meant to hurt him and demanded that Lucifer take it back. God, in his infinite wisdom understood that he had not yet invented constructive criticism and being God, everything he made was absolutely perfect and he could not possibly do wrong, so how dare Lucifer question his creation. He expressed to Lucifer his pained disappointment.

God created the burning depths of hell and hurled Lucifer into it's depths. And because God is most certainly not a spoiled child or opinionated or at all unstable, we can wholly agree that our loving father, God, is grand and merciful and Lucifer is the most horrible evil thing that ever existed (despite also being created by God...)

An Almost Ghost

Understandably there are varying degrees of belief when it comes to the paranormal and supernatural. Some believe that ghosts are here to hurt us, others believe that the ghosts are present because we first hurt them. I personally believe that my injuries acquired in almost interactions with ghosts, are entirely caused by myself.

A recent injury to my body and my pride was the result from speaking of a ghost known for searching for her lost child. This apparition is said to be angry and emotional as well as irrational. She lashes out due to the loss of her child, and she is angered by anyone who she perceives has neglected aiding her search for her kin.

The image of her grey rotting skin, matted hair and blood swollen eyes was a stain on my mind no matter how I told myself "Even in the event of ghosts... logically speaking she has no reason to lash out against me."

 
On a quiet morning, I awoke to leave my dwelling place very early, before the sun had risen. I cautiously opened the front door and stared out past the stairs stretching over my door, at the dark landscape. A single street lamp was the only source of light out doors. It was quiet that morning.

I stepped out and began to lock the door after fumbling with my keys. As the door clicked I heard the unmistakeable tap of feet on the path behind me. Afraid to look over my shoulder, I looked upon the door in front of me.

The street lamp was casting my motionless shadow on the door. The brief attempt at comforting myself vanished as the foot steps grew closer and a shadow raised up behind my own, stretching over the height of the door as though a great beast loomed over me.

I quickly attempted to flee the possible assailant and I threw myself forcefully on the door. The locked door did not give way to my tackle and instead bounced me back without remorse. I briefly scratched and beat at the door as I wailed my would be last words.

"Stop! Stop! No!" the rest of my message trailed off in a pained whine.

I fell to my knees, still pressed firmly to the door, and I finally glanced back at the approaching apparition...

My neighbor stands motionless on the stairs previously mentioned to be placed over my door. The light behind him on the path sends a long dark shadow through the slats in the stairs, cloaking my door in the mass of his shadow.

We stare at each other in a long quiet pause, regarding each other in silent recognition. He finally speaks, "A little jumpy this morning."

I grasp my door handle and lift myself to my feet, "It would seem so..." I respond in a dignified tone.

"Perhaps, less coffee." he offers as a remedy to my panic.

I pull my keys free from the lock and clear my throat, "Hopefully so." I answer. We break our gaze and depart, releasing the other to their agenda.

He resumed his day with the mental image of his easily startled neighbor fleeing from a shadow. And I resumed my own day with the triumphant knowledge that I had survived an almost ghost sighting.

The Game You Always Win

If you have ever asked "Why would one ever resort to playing Russian Roulette?" And if you believe Russian Roulette must be the worst game, or so horrible it isn't even a game at all, I can emphatically express why it is the best game*

You can play Russian Roulette, even when you're missing pieces. Consider how often your game of Monopoly has been plighted due to an absent stack of money or that insufferable metallic canine that disappears with children. Missing game pieces will ruin lesser games, but Russian Roulette perseveres through these hard times.

•  If you find you are missing your bullets, you are looking at the most cheerful game of Russian Roulette ever played. Everyone is a winner in this round!
• If you do not have a gun, or pistol, your friends can grasp in their hands a bullet, or nothing, and pelt the contents of their palm towards your face. Will the fun ever end?

Russian Roulette can be played in the most desolate of times. Even the most playful companions will turn down your invitation for a rousing game of Marco Polo in the event of eviction, cancer diagnosis or loss of job. But in the most perilous positions, Russian Roulette can become the game of choice!

• You find yourself hidden within a dug out on a vast battle field under enemy fire. Refuse to play Russian Roulette on enemy terms, it would be ludicrous to rely on their luck hitting you when you can utilize your very own government issued gun to play Russian Roulette with your friends.
• During a friend gathering, your best friend spontaneously proposes to the ex-lover you still harbor fond feelings for. Russian Roulette instantly becomes the best possible game to suggest. There are only two outcomes now, either your friend's wedding tuxedo is now a funeral tuxedo, or you have promptly lost your ability to care!
• On that note, Russian Roulette can be an ideal game for failing relationships in which figuratively messy break ups are not an option.

 Finally, Russian Roulette is the only game you have always won. If you ever set out with the intention of playing Russian Roulette, you will discover that either you win... or nothing. If you don't win, you'll never know it. Your ability to fathom the concept of losing vacated your mind at a speed of 200+ m/s, along with that bullet.

As far as you can actually be concerned, by this 'logic', Russian Roulette remains the only game of chance that you always win.




*Russian Roulette and other games sponsored by Drawin Awards Unlimited and should only be used as a source of entertainment by those wishing to clean their gene pool.

The Elusive Primary Message

Women may like to be called pretty, but if they are simply not pretty, one shouldn't be expected to lie to uphold an unspoken social rule... The Elusive Primary Message

There came a moment when a girl entered my life. This chapter was not particularly long lived, primarily because of the difficulty in communication. Whether you know this or not, there is a delicate art to the first message of the day that one suitor sends another and when the influence does not come naturally the message can be difficult to feign.

I sat idly one such morning after an evening courting this woman. To display appreciation and a polite demeanor it was obligatory to send the primary message of the day. Sadly there was so little to discuss with this evening companion it was difficult to create a message.

A dear friend beside me, swollen with glee at the potential of a blooming romance, suggests, "Girls love to be told that they are pretty! Send a message telling her that she is pretty!"

There was a minor complication with this plan, which I expressed, "But she isn't."

It wasn't that she was particularly foul in appearance, or that I placed much value on these superficial standards. But none of this was explained in the long and pregnant silence that lingered between my friend and I as we exchanged glances.

I break the silence as I return my attention to the nagging blank message, elaborating, "I only feel that I should open up with something more believable." 

Careful consideration was given to potential other messages I could send. However, the various truths I could give her lacked the poetry that my friend recommended. Various failed first messages included, "Greetings, I awoke this day with a distant memory of the evening we shared." 
 "Before sleep found me, last night, I thought ceaselessly of your face, and I can confirm without question, that it is indeed a face." and
"I recall vividly most of the events that transpired on our outing last night, due to the happenings having occurred so recently. Regrettably it was not memorable enough to leave a long lasting impression on my recollections and the remedy would likely be a second, more impressive date."

Luckily she was spared all of my various levels of truth. The elusive primary message was never written and the chasm between our communications was never bridged. But I can say, with the utmost certainty, that she  is out there still, hopefully not waiting for a message from me.

Opposites, Logically Speaking

All of the opposites you think you know are probably not opposites at all. Stop mentioning things that have so much in common and stop labeling them as opposites... Opposites, Logically Speaking. 
 

If I were to provide a short list, here, including these words:

• Cat - Dog
• Yes - No
• Boy - Girl
• Up - Down
• Hot - Cold

You would likely recognize these all as opposites. This is a little strange considering the definition of opposite is "A person or thing that is totally different from someone or something else." In this case, why would cat and dog be opposite when they have far more in common than they are different? The same can be said for anything else on this list.

To truly achieve "opposite" you should expand your mind to grasp something entirely unrelated to the subject. Keep this in mind next time you are being asked to provide opposites.

• When you hear Cat, reply with the opposite, "Narcolepsy"
• When you hear Yes, reply with the opposite, "Loquacious"
• When you hear Boy,  reply with the opposite, "Serendipitous"
• When you hear Up, reply with the opposite, "December"
• When you hear Hot, reply with the opposite, "Yesterday"

You will soon realize that by pulling these answers straight from your rear they will have almost nothing in common with one another, making them better examples of "opposites" than the pairs on the first list.


I might be assisting you in aiding the English language to obey it's rules a little more literally... or I might be lying to you. I might just feel the English language isn't yet Chaotic enough and dismantling the soft minds of young people begins with non sequitur style opposites.

What Society (Apparently) Wants In A Woman

I've spent enough time with society to learn about some of the surprising disorders that society cant wait for women to suffer from, after all, it's part of being attractive and desirable to men. A compiled list of the primary flaws of women will guide future women on how to be less unattractive.

Hair: The first thing that men want you to stop doing, is growing hair. Cease those foolish antics, what do you think you are? Some living decedent of an ancestor related to primates? Not in the modern man's fantasy you aren't. What you need is a disorder known as Alopecia Areata, and do your best to suffer from this diagnosis at least from nose down. This conditions leave humans with an inability to grow hair in spontaneous patches formed on their skin, but hopefully just where society deems it unattractive. 

Defecating: most males seem to have an unnatural abhorrence towards females defecating, considering it is generally accepted as a normal human act. The ideal situation is for the women to have a digestive complication or colon block. That is one very attractive diagnosis.

After a short while of being unable to evacuate the bowels, women will likely begin to suffer from fecal halitosis, an elegant phrase to describe a smell emitting from the mouth reminiscent of fecal matter and foreboding of what is to come. Next is the colorful display of fecal vomiting. Most forms of orally ejecting the contents of your body have been playfully named 'spitting rainbows'. But this is significantly less impressive than a rainbow, it is brown. It is fecal matter. Don't lose hope, you've made great progress by no longer actually defecating, you simply throw up in a disgusting mess often instead.

Eating:  Men provide women with conflicting information on this, assuring you they want you to eat but sending mixed messages that  can leave the idea convoluted. The truth is that it is ideally attractive for you to eat just enough for men to believe that you are not dying of starvation. It may be recommended that women take up a diet of Altos breath mints in order to counter the taste and smell of fecal halitosis.

Menstrual Cycle: With this horrible flaw in women you at least have a few options in how you may regain the favorable attention of men by removing this trait. The first and most natural method to being a beautiful woman without a menstrual cycle, is to be a child, if you're already failing at being 8 years old again then you can try being old and decrepit.
If neither of these options suit you, you can try being constantly pregnant. The constant septic state of your body should mean your offspring will perish long before they damage your womanly figure.
Assuming pregnancy is not an option, there is one final solution. Ovarian cancer or cervical cancer will most certainly clear up that fertility problem.
If at all possible, a woman may seek as many of these options as possible and try as many of them at once to be extra attractive to men.

By the small chance that you may be trying to live up to these standards, I'm sure at some point upon the list, a few things may have become clear.  The society that thought out this list of what is and is not attractive in human women may not have a very clear understanding of what a human woman is. Whether or not they have actually seen a human woman in real life is debatable.

If the community that decided on these traits are familiar with human women, one may venture to say they foster an intense dislike for women and prefer to see them in the final stages of emaciation and death.

You cannot fool me, mainstream society and unrealistic demands. I intend to keep my companions safe, and far away from your nefarious Cosmopolitan magazines!