Legalized/Mandatory Gay Marriage

The marriage of homosexuals has recently become legal in four additional states of America. Washington, Main, Maryland and Minnesota have all passed the bill and though I’m sure there was much support, the ones responding the loudest were the hundreds of citizens labeled ‘homophobes’ on twitter.

Here are the prime examples of the digital generation expressing distaste:

Sir "Stress and Rage" is a modern man of morals and values disheartened by his brother's disgraces.


Mister Omar knows what it is like to be an unappreciated minority. He is a middle-easterner and a straight man in a country where only gay whites are valued.

Poor Shelby found sanctuary in a state that would allow her to marry her first cousin. She is not about to let that be tarnished by homosexuals being wed.

I am concerned now that the public has become misinformed. Due to the sheer volume of resistance and resentment in these messages one can only theorize that this stems from confusion. I worry that these 'defenders of integrity' have fallen under the false impression that homosexual marriage has become mandatory.

The people may have come to understand that in Maine, Maryland, Minnesota and Washington it is not mandatory to be homosexual and to be married to a person of the same sex. I admit, if such a bill had been passed that ordered everyone to pair up with their unfavored gender and express common stereotypes, perhaps I too would be concerned and cautious.

"They might not seem like much one at a time, but in a group, all riled up and hungry? Man you watch your ass."
-Morgan, The Walking Dead, Regarding Gays
(or zombies?)

To be fair, it is difficult to appreciate any sexuality's public displays of affection when social ignorance has lead to a life of celibacy.

 Regardless of the twitter-opinions of these obviously very (un)informed individuals, gay marriage is legal in four additional states this year and there is no sign of a reprieve. As the acceptance of homosexuality continues to gain a foothold in America, these people have limited choices.

They can learn to be tolerant and only hate (be annoyed by) homosexuals that are out of the closet.

Only holding bias against homosexuals that he can identify as homosexuals must have sounded like a far more generous compromise in his mind.

Alternatively, they can fight back by investigating the source of homosexuality that scientists have been seeking for years. The question as to whether it is in our genes or in our upbringing remained a mystery until the young up and coming Sir DrugLane discovered the source of homosexuality.

Whether you identified as homosexual or not your familure to "re-tweet" this post has made you susceptible to homosexuality, inform your partners and have them tested immediately.

With the source of homosexuality discovered, they can now seek the cure. Miss Haley (a.k.a. hugs and kisses²) suggests to cure men from literally "loving your fellow man" by means of excessive violence.

Homophobics of America cut spending in the "logic" department and hoped unemployed mothers would figure out a cure.

These people will likely forget their cause soon and go back to their lives with little more resistance than a sulky countenance. However, with 20% of the "United" States supporting homosexual marriage and 80% of the states yet to be claimed by the gay agenda, there will undoubtedly be many more of these short lived and sour uprisings of the uninformed.

To those concerned about how to these rights may affect your life and marriage simply remember, gay marriage is now legal, not mandatory.

Knight Rights

I have been encouraged to read the debates on the civil rights of homosexuals while replacing the word "gays" with my own name. This is to remind that gays are people and the arguments are made on how these people live their lives.

This challenge was meant to be moving and emotional. But as I read the list I could only consider it incredibly fitting and humorous at best.

"Knight should not be allowed to marry."
In the adult world of exclusive clubs that only allow two members (possibly 5 if you are Mormon), Knight is not allowed to participate. I can only visualize wedding limousines driving away with streamers and cans on string, with a sign in the back window that says "No Knights Allowed".

"Knight would not be a good parent."
If you wish to disagree with this, review my journals once more and consider these adventures with a young child clutching my hand. I have no doubt the child I raise would be happy, it is in fact society that would suffer if I spawned and raised a member of the next generation to follow in my footsteps.

"Knight can only raise more Knights."
Procreation is easily confused with spawning and direct cloning, from the government's perspective.

"Knight does not love, it is only lust."
How mysterious and brooding does this make me sound? And I appreciate that the debate made sure to mention that I still have sexual needs, my lack of love does not mean I am off the market, only that I am hard to get. Ladies.

"If Knight can marry, we should just let people marry animals."
I am almost completely certain this debate implies I am a tiger. Watch out, Ladies.

"Knight is what is wrong with this country."
We took a sharp turn from describing Knight as a brooding and mysterious sex tiger to declaring me as the singular flaw that makes this country wrong. Perhaps the compliment is hidden in the fact Knight is apparently very influential to have such impact.

"Knight is what is destroying the Western World."

I'm concerned that Congress is merely attempting to seduce me with such compliments overestimating my power and strength. Congress is writing a check that I cannot cash. How can one read "Knight, Destroyer of Worlds" and picture me bringing a country to its knees when I can barely do the same for my crush? This debate is certainly expecting more than what I can live up to.

"Knight is what destroyed the Roman Empire."
I would at this point declare that the debate has greatly overestimated the limitations of my power, but this could be based loosely on a fact. I am fairly certain I reduced a  Roman city's thriving population to 3 prostitutes and 4 donkeys while editing an article on Wikipedia one evening.

"Being Knight is a choice."
Indubitably the best choice I have ever made.


This is the most fun I have had with politics in a long time. It is wondrous that Mad Lib politics has not yet been created. So I shall consider it my duty to bring you additional articles of interest, with words replaced with more interesting words. However, firstly, I have a Ming Dynasty to destroy in the name of Knight.

Try to understand. It is a lifestyle.

Grand Apology

I've made no claim that I am a socially graceful or amicable person. My company is an acquired taste that requires a substantial tolerance.




My dearest friends belonged to a larger social circle that was well aware of me and mostly held distaste. On this one occasion my friends decided that they could rebuild all the bridges I had burned by encouraging me to issue an apology to every person I had wronged. By their estimations, I would need to apologize to every person that was currently within the adjoining room for festivities.

With hope and good will, my friends moved me into the main room and provided their silent moral support in the form of nods and smiles.

I step forward to the nearest person, a young woman who annoyed me as much as I annoyed her, "Hello, I'm sorry that you never understand my jokes. I'll try to say them slower for you in the future." Her jaw drops and I turn to her loyal friend, "I'm sorry you fail so often. I will do my best to inform you of your mistakes while they can still be reversed, in the future."

I leave them to find the next group of party participants that shared my mutual friends. I found a ring leader, "Hello, I'm sorry you lack the self confidence to do anything alone, but don't worry, I'm sure your friends haven't noticed yet." To the brown noser, "I'm sorry you are such a suck up, but don't be discouraged, no body does it better than you."

I informed the lonely chauvinist, "I'm sorry you're always alone, you have to admit, you do sort of deserve it."
I told the 'edgy' ones "I'm sorry for your bad taste in music and fashion. Avoid being in pictures and you should be fine."

I managed to give possibly 10 personal apologies that fully applied to each person I addressed. But my apologies were making the crowd hostile and their short tempers were nearing their limit. A friend of mine saw fit to intervene and quickly remove me from the room before the sincerity of the apologies could escalate any further.

Outside of the room I was dismissed of the requirement to apologize to the plethora of people I was originally sent to. I may have even been let off the hook for having to apologize ever, the specifics are unclear. As far as I know, the friends of mine that remained in the party placated the many others and issued the remainder of the apologies on my behalf.

The plan to apologize my way into friendship never did succeed, as far as I'm aware, their extended social circle dislikes me as much as ever. But the good-will aspirations of my friends are so adorable, I'll play along with their next crazy plan just the same. Rascals.

Blasphemy

A story as magical as the creation of man deserves nothing less than an artistic portrayal to express what so many gentiles loyally worship.


The one known as "God" promptly got to work, gathered supplies and started creating. He turned on the lights so that he could see what he was doing and called this day of progress Day 1.

Day 2 became the day of the big drink. When making arts and crafts it is important to remain hydrated. Day 3 he drank most of the Ocean and the Earth rock was poking through again, but he considered this progress and said he created this dry land, good job, God.

By Day 4 he realized no one was keeping track of the amount of time that passed because it took him until now to create the Sun and the Moon and stars. So he quickly assembled those as well and got them spinning then informed everyone he'd certainly been working 4 days now. Who are we to think God wouldn't keep reliable records of his work shift?

Day 5 He created animals and of course on Day 6 He created the humans and Day 7 He refused to cease telling all of the angels how awesome they were.

God elaborated on the superior nature of the creatures, "I created them in my image. They look just like me, don't they?"

The Angels reluctantly nodded, keeping to themselves how much the humans looked like primates with mange or Alopecia Areata.

God ran to the kitchen, declaring, "I shall display my art all across the refrigerator so that everybody can see!"

The Angels averted their gaze and held their tongues, but the most beautiful angel of all, Lucifer, was beginning to be very annoyed.

God then announced, "It has been decided, I shall make 6 Billion of these humans and I shall cover the Earth with them! Are they not simply the most amazing creation ever?"

Lucifer then spoke, "God, you are a giant Twat. These humans are a plague."

With rage and fury God stamped his feet and flung his hands. He cried and insisted that this was a horrible and vile lie meant to hurt him and demanded that Lucifer take it back. God, in his infinite wisdom understood that he had not yet invented constructive criticism and being God, everything he made was absolutely perfect and he could not possibly do wrong, so how dare Lucifer question his creation. He expressed to Lucifer his pained disappointment.

God created the burning depths of hell and hurled Lucifer into it's depths. And because God is most certainly not a spoiled child or opinionated or at all unstable, we can wholly agree that our loving father, God, is grand and merciful and Lucifer is the most horrible evil thing that ever existed (despite also being created by God...)

The Game You Always Win

If you have ever asked "Why would one ever resort to playing Russian Roulette?" And if you believe Russian Roulette must be the worst game, or so horrible it isn't even a game at all, I can emphatically express why it is the best game*

You can play Russian Roulette, even when you're missing pieces. Consider how often your game of Monopoly has been plighted due to an absent stack of money or that insufferable metallic canine that disappears with children. Missing game pieces will ruin lesser games, but Russian Roulette perseveres through these hard times.

•  If you find you are missing your bullets, you are looking at the most cheerful game of Russian Roulette ever played. Everyone is a winner in this round!
• If you do not have a gun, or pistol, your friends can grasp in their hands a bullet, or nothing, and pelt the contents of their palm towards your face. Will the fun ever end?

Russian Roulette can be played in the most desolate of times. Even the most playful companions will turn down your invitation for a rousing game of Marco Polo in the event of eviction, cancer diagnosis or loss of job. But in the most perilous positions, Russian Roulette can become the game of choice!

• You find yourself hidden within a dug out on a vast battle field under enemy fire. Refuse to play Russian Roulette on enemy terms, it would be ludicrous to rely on their luck hitting you when you can utilize your very own government issued gun to play Russian Roulette with your friends.
• During a friend gathering, your best friend spontaneously proposes to the ex-lover you still harbor fond feelings for. Russian Roulette instantly becomes the best possible game to suggest. There are only two outcomes now, either your friend's wedding tuxedo is now a funeral tuxedo, or you have promptly lost your ability to care!
• On that note, Russian Roulette can be an ideal game for failing relationships in which figuratively messy break ups are not an option.

 Finally, Russian Roulette is the only game you have always won. If you ever set out with the intention of playing Russian Roulette, you will discover that either you win... or nothing. If you don't win, you'll never know it. Your ability to fathom the concept of losing vacated your mind at a speed of 200+ m/s, along with that bullet.

As far as you can actually be concerned, by this 'logic', Russian Roulette remains the only game of chance that you always win.




*Russian Roulette and other games sponsored by Drawin Awards Unlimited and should only be used as a source of entertainment by those wishing to clean their gene pool.

What Society (Apparently) Wants In A Woman

I've spent enough time with society to learn about some of the surprising disorders that society cant wait for women to suffer from, after all, it's part of being attractive and desirable to men. A compiled list of the primary flaws of women will guide future women on how to be less unattractive.

Hair: The first thing that men want you to stop doing, is growing hair. Cease those foolish antics, what do you think you are? Some living decedent of an ancestor related to primates? Not in the modern man's fantasy you aren't. What you need is a disorder known as Alopecia Areata, and do your best to suffer from this diagnosis at least from nose down. This conditions leave humans with an inability to grow hair in spontaneous patches formed on their skin, but hopefully just where society deems it unattractive. 

Defecating: most males seem to have an unnatural abhorrence towards females defecating, considering it is generally accepted as a normal human act. The ideal situation is for the women to have a digestive complication or colon block. That is one very attractive diagnosis.

After a short while of being unable to evacuate the bowels, women will likely begin to suffer from fecal halitosis, an elegant phrase to describe a smell emitting from the mouth reminiscent of fecal matter and foreboding of what is to come. Next is the colorful display of fecal vomiting. Most forms of orally ejecting the contents of your body have been playfully named 'spitting rainbows'. But this is significantly less impressive than a rainbow, it is brown. It is fecal matter. Don't lose hope, you've made great progress by no longer actually defecating, you simply throw up in a disgusting mess often instead.

Eating:  Men provide women with conflicting information on this, assuring you they want you to eat but sending mixed messages that  can leave the idea convoluted. The truth is that it is ideally attractive for you to eat just enough for men to believe that you are not dying of starvation. It may be recommended that women take up a diet of Altos breath mints in order to counter the taste and smell of fecal halitosis.

Menstrual Cycle: With this horrible flaw in women you at least have a few options in how you may regain the favorable attention of men by removing this trait. The first and most natural method to being a beautiful woman without a menstrual cycle, is to be a child, if you're already failing at being 8 years old again then you can try being old and decrepit.
If neither of these options suit you, you can try being constantly pregnant. The constant septic state of your body should mean your offspring will perish long before they damage your womanly figure.
Assuming pregnancy is not an option, there is one final solution. Ovarian cancer or cervical cancer will most certainly clear up that fertility problem.
If at all possible, a woman may seek as many of these options as possible and try as many of them at once to be extra attractive to men.

By the small chance that you may be trying to live up to these standards, I'm sure at some point upon the list, a few things may have become clear.  The society that thought out this list of what is and is not attractive in human women may not have a very clear understanding of what a human woman is. Whether or not they have actually seen a human woman in real life is debatable.

If the community that decided on these traits are familiar with human women, one may venture to say they foster an intense dislike for women and prefer to see them in the final stages of emaciation and death.

You cannot fool me, mainstream society and unrealistic demands. I intend to keep my companions safe, and far away from your nefarious Cosmopolitan magazines!