Grand Apology

I've made no claim that I am a socially graceful or amicable person. My company is an acquired taste that requires a substantial tolerance.




My dearest friends belonged to a larger social circle that was well aware of me and mostly held distaste. On this one occasion my friends decided that they could rebuild all the bridges I had burned by encouraging me to issue an apology to every person I had wronged. By their estimations, I would need to apologize to every person that was currently within the adjoining room for festivities.

With hope and good will, my friends moved me into the main room and provided their silent moral support in the form of nods and smiles.

I step forward to the nearest person, a young woman who annoyed me as much as I annoyed her, "Hello, I'm sorry that you never understand my jokes. I'll try to say them slower for you in the future." Her jaw drops and I turn to her loyal friend, "I'm sorry you fail so often. I will do my best to inform you of your mistakes while they can still be reversed, in the future."

I leave them to find the next group of party participants that shared my mutual friends. I found a ring leader, "Hello, I'm sorry you lack the self confidence to do anything alone, but don't worry, I'm sure your friends haven't noticed yet." To the brown noser, "I'm sorry you are such a suck up, but don't be discouraged, no body does it better than you."

I informed the lonely chauvinist, "I'm sorry you're always alone, you have to admit, you do sort of deserve it."
I told the 'edgy' ones "I'm sorry for your bad taste in music and fashion. Avoid being in pictures and you should be fine."

I managed to give possibly 10 personal apologies that fully applied to each person I addressed. But my apologies were making the crowd hostile and their short tempers were nearing their limit. A friend of mine saw fit to intervene and quickly remove me from the room before the sincerity of the apologies could escalate any further.

Outside of the room I was dismissed of the requirement to apologize to the plethora of people I was originally sent to. I may have even been let off the hook for having to apologize ever, the specifics are unclear. As far as I know, the friends of mine that remained in the party placated the many others and issued the remainder of the apologies on my behalf.

The plan to apologize my way into friendship never did succeed, as far as I'm aware, their extended social circle dislikes me as much as ever. But the good-will aspirations of my friends are so adorable, I'll play along with their next crazy plan just the same. Rascals.

Opposites, Logically Speaking

All of the opposites you think you know are probably not opposites at all. Stop mentioning things that have so much in common and stop labeling them as opposites... Opposites, Logically Speaking. 
 

If I were to provide a short list, here, including these words:

• Cat - Dog
• Yes - No
• Boy - Girl
• Up - Down
• Hot - Cold

You would likely recognize these all as opposites. This is a little strange considering the definition of opposite is "A person or thing that is totally different from someone or something else." In this case, why would cat and dog be opposite when they have far more in common than they are different? The same can be said for anything else on this list.

To truly achieve "opposite" you should expand your mind to grasp something entirely unrelated to the subject. Keep this in mind next time you are being asked to provide opposites.

• When you hear Cat, reply with the opposite, "Narcolepsy"
• When you hear Yes, reply with the opposite, "Loquacious"
• When you hear Boy,  reply with the opposite, "Serendipitous"
• When you hear Up, reply with the opposite, "December"
• When you hear Hot, reply with the opposite, "Yesterday"

You will soon realize that by pulling these answers straight from your rear they will have almost nothing in common with one another, making them better examples of "opposites" than the pairs on the first list.


I might be assisting you in aiding the English language to obey it's rules a little more literally... or I might be lying to you. I might just feel the English language isn't yet Chaotic enough and dismantling the soft minds of young people begins with non sequitur style opposites.