Grand Apology

I've made no claim that I am a socially graceful or amicable person. My company is an acquired taste that requires a substantial tolerance.




My dearest friends belonged to a larger social circle that was well aware of me and mostly held distaste. On this one occasion my friends decided that they could rebuild all the bridges I had burned by encouraging me to issue an apology to every person I had wronged. By their estimations, I would need to apologize to every person that was currently within the adjoining room for festivities.

With hope and good will, my friends moved me into the main room and provided their silent moral support in the form of nods and smiles.

I step forward to the nearest person, a young woman who annoyed me as much as I annoyed her, "Hello, I'm sorry that you never understand my jokes. I'll try to say them slower for you in the future." Her jaw drops and I turn to her loyal friend, "I'm sorry you fail so often. I will do my best to inform you of your mistakes while they can still be reversed, in the future."

I leave them to find the next group of party participants that shared my mutual friends. I found a ring leader, "Hello, I'm sorry you lack the self confidence to do anything alone, but don't worry, I'm sure your friends haven't noticed yet." To the brown noser, "I'm sorry you are such a suck up, but don't be discouraged, no body does it better than you."

I informed the lonely chauvinist, "I'm sorry you're always alone, you have to admit, you do sort of deserve it."
I told the 'edgy' ones "I'm sorry for your bad taste in music and fashion. Avoid being in pictures and you should be fine."

I managed to give possibly 10 personal apologies that fully applied to each person I addressed. But my apologies were making the crowd hostile and their short tempers were nearing their limit. A friend of mine saw fit to intervene and quickly remove me from the room before the sincerity of the apologies could escalate any further.

Outside of the room I was dismissed of the requirement to apologize to the plethora of people I was originally sent to. I may have even been let off the hook for having to apologize ever, the specifics are unclear. As far as I know, the friends of mine that remained in the party placated the many others and issued the remainder of the apologies on my behalf.

The plan to apologize my way into friendship never did succeed, as far as I'm aware, their extended social circle dislikes me as much as ever. But the good-will aspirations of my friends are so adorable, I'll play along with their next crazy plan just the same. Rascals.

Blasphemy

A story as magical as the creation of man deserves nothing less than an artistic portrayal to express what so many gentiles loyally worship.


The one known as "God" promptly got to work, gathered supplies and started creating. He turned on the lights so that he could see what he was doing and called this day of progress Day 1.

Day 2 became the day of the big drink. When making arts and crafts it is important to remain hydrated. Day 3 he drank most of the Ocean and the Earth rock was poking through again, but he considered this progress and said he created this dry land, good job, God.

By Day 4 he realized no one was keeping track of the amount of time that passed because it took him until now to create the Sun and the Moon and stars. So he quickly assembled those as well and got them spinning then informed everyone he'd certainly been working 4 days now. Who are we to think God wouldn't keep reliable records of his work shift?

Day 5 He created animals and of course on Day 6 He created the humans and Day 7 He refused to cease telling all of the angels how awesome they were.

God elaborated on the superior nature of the creatures, "I created them in my image. They look just like me, don't they?"

The Angels reluctantly nodded, keeping to themselves how much the humans looked like primates with mange or Alopecia Areata.

God ran to the kitchen, declaring, "I shall display my art all across the refrigerator so that everybody can see!"

The Angels averted their gaze and held their tongues, but the most beautiful angel of all, Lucifer, was beginning to be very annoyed.

God then announced, "It has been decided, I shall make 6 Billion of these humans and I shall cover the Earth with them! Are they not simply the most amazing creation ever?"

Lucifer then spoke, "God, you are a giant Twat. These humans are a plague."

With rage and fury God stamped his feet and flung his hands. He cried and insisted that this was a horrible and vile lie meant to hurt him and demanded that Lucifer take it back. God, in his infinite wisdom understood that he had not yet invented constructive criticism and being God, everything he made was absolutely perfect and he could not possibly do wrong, so how dare Lucifer question his creation. He expressed to Lucifer his pained disappointment.

God created the burning depths of hell and hurled Lucifer into it's depths. And because God is most certainly not a spoiled child or opinionated or at all unstable, we can wholly agree that our loving father, God, is grand and merciful and Lucifer is the most horrible evil thing that ever existed (despite also being created by God...)

I Think You're Lying To Me

You may have intended to be honest... but... I think you're lying to me...

There are many times in my life when there are elaborate debates, compromises or wordy responses that are necessary for the event that has been presented before me. But sometimes, as rare as it may be, I will stare at a situation and the only response I can muster is, "I think you're lying to me."

For example, I was entertaining the company of an obnoxious young woman with poorly treated hair resembling the hair pulled from a shower drain, slicked with grease onto her face. Her looks were unfavorable but her personality was far worse, and she declared "I hate men, they're always hitting on me and trying to get me to marry them." To which I could only respond,

 "I think you're lying to me."

A friend of mine was lamenting that he 'never gets the girl' and when I suggested that he may have better luck if he asked out girls that are available, he responded "Single or available means nothing to me, because girls used to cheat on their boyfriends all the time just to get with me, they wanted me so bad, and I know how to give them what they want." To which I could only respond,

"I think you're lying to me."

A classmate of mine that often battled with her body shape and appearance began excitedly telling me how many pounds she'd lost during that week, "10 pounds on Monday, 5 pounds on Tuesday, 7 pounds on Wednesday, 4 pounds on Thursday, and 5 pounds today. It's really starting to show." To which I could only respond, 

"I think you're lying to me."

It is not always a story that requires context. Sometimes just a simple statement you hear made in your vicinity will garner the same response.

"White makes most people look fat, but I always look good in white."

"I think you're lying to me."

"In this photo, I really look like Beyonce."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Don't worry, you look great in that!"

"I think you're lying to me."

"It's not you, it's me." 

"I think you're lying to me."

"Nah, that's just a cold sore."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"I think you're lying to me."

" I'm a professional."

"I think you're lying to me."

"I know you want me."

"I think you're lying to me."

At times the situation doesn't even require a full statement. A simple photograph or image that you come across will do the trick. Observe.

"I think you're lying to me..."

 "..."

 This phrase is so accurately the best response to many situations that might otherwise require you to tenderly remove a glove and strike the being the spawns such annoyances. Prepare yourself to respond to the various questionable statements you'll come across and practice on what is most likely to be the next lie you'll hear...

How to Make People Think You Aren't Shallow

A Shallow Human's Guide To Being Not Shallow At All:
Making people think you aren't shallow.

Generally, people are shallow creatures that are concerned with the immediately visible traits of a potential interest. Humans fantasize about having a beautiful partner on their arm and when they come across an old lover they can say "I didn't see you there, I apologize I was simply so distracted with my new beautiful lover."

However, humans are also concerned with our own appearance socially. "Shallow" has equated to being less intelligent, because you must be stupid to be captivated with the beauty of a goddess. The notion that being shallow is bad is actually a grand scheme devised by ugly women.

Women insist that they are all unique and special snowflakes. The fact is that the majority of women are "average" and another great portion of women are "unnattractive" and only an elite group are truly beautiful. The lesser women have grouped together and created the law that if you are shallow, you are a dirty dirty boy and women will shun you. The women believe that they are all beautiful in their own way and if you are not interested in them you are simply not deep enough to understand their beauty and so you have commited a serious crime of being shallow.

It is important to make people believe you are not shallow at all, while continuing to date the women of your dreams. Luckily, there are deeper attachments to nearly every shallow feature.

Now that we have that down we can move onto how to address shallow issues in a deeper way.

I only date skinny girls. Instead say:  I prefer athletic girls that take care of their bodies, it is a huge turn on for me when a girl eats right and exorcizes appropriately.
I'm sorry, you're too fat for me. Instead say: No, it's not that you're fat. I find your slothful behavior disgusting, your food portions are repugnant and your body is a consistent reminder of how little you care about your health. I cannot bear to watch you do this to yourself a moment longer, I must go.

I only date girls close to my age. Instead say: I like girls that share my love for particular child hood memories of saturday cartoons we grew up with.
I'm sorry, you're too young for me.  Instead say: You aren't old enough to go to any of my favorite clubs, how are we supposed to bond?
I'm sorry, you're too old for me. Instead say: You find all of my new age pop music offensive when I try to serenade you with meaningful lyrics, how are we supposed to express our love?
I only date blonde haired girls. Instead say: I like girls that have a bright look about them, sunny and friendly, something welcoming and conventional.
I'm sorry, your hair is too dark for me. Instead say: I support a mainstream part of society that values Anglo-saxon heritage and features. It is fine if you don't wish to participate in this culture, but it is an important part of my life symbolized by thick and beautiful blonde hair.

I only date girls with nice boobs. Instead say: I appreciate a girl who does what it takes to keep every part of her body youthful and attractive.
I'm sorry, your boobs are far too saggy for me. Instead say: It seems that you don't consider the long term effects of misusing tools. Your consistent lack of bra wearing to the point of your breasts hanging to your waist is a warning to me that you will fail to commit to caring for other things in your possession.

I only date women with a lot of money. Instead say: Women with career and life plans who budget well and know how to handle their assets are exciting and alluring.
I'm sorry, you are too poor for me. Instead say: You spend irresponsibly and you don't work hard enough to increase your value as a working person, this lack of dedication is an incompatible flaw that will divide us.

I only date women that (don't) follow (Religion). Instead say: How a woman defines her moral rock and lives her life is an important aspect of judging our compatibility.
I'm sorry, you are too religious for me. Instead say: I feel that you do not correspond to logic in the same was that I do and I fear that you will judge me harshly when you feel I am wrong and intend to upset me by telling me your imaginary friend also believes I am wrong.

Hopefully these will be enough to start you off on finding the girl you're interested in dating. Remind yourself, most of the time women are just accusing you of being shallow instead of crediting your ability to value her priorities and personality based on her appearance and how she conducts herself.

Unless you really are a shallow person and you'll reject a person because you like slate gray eyes and the person that loves you has pale blue eyes. In that case, just stay single. But if you're that type of shallow that is looking for someone beautiful to make an old lover jealous, then you should probably hire someone beautiful to pretend to love you and your precocious jealous nature.

~Knight