Tolerating the Vegetarian

I have decided to teach my people  to grant more tolerance towards vegetarians. With the New Year around the corner I use this time of the year to gather up spare particles of patience and tolerance that I have not yet bestowed on unfavorable people and I decide which group to give it to.

Last year, I taught my people to be tolerant of girl scouts. This year, I learn to be tolerant of vegetarians.

In the past, vegetarians have been seen as incompetent hunters, poor cooks, unskilled butchers and generally unfortunate people that burden those around them.

It is important to consider, however, similar behaviors in other situations. When a person declines to take part in the consumption of alcohol and donated their share to the participants around them, they are regarded as the party martyr who stands alone in his quest for sobriety so his friends may savor the liquor of Dionysus.

Equally, when one is indulging in pleasures of the flesh, the friend that does not participate and instead gives wide birth for more assertive comrades to flaunt and attract mates, this friend is heralded as a grand ‘wing man’ that generously grants others the spoils of youth and attraction.

Finally, the vegetarian should be regarded in this way. As noble as the sober chauffer and as valiant as the sexless wingman, the vegetarian sacrifices his own enjoyment of life to let you enjoy all of the steaks roasted at your seasonal barbeque festivities.

Admittedly, the vegetarian is still the party pooper that his social relatives are. Just as the sober chauffer chides you for relieving yourself in an intersection from the window of his vehicle, and just as the sexless wingman complains belatedly about his role as the celibate comrade, the vegetarian too will drag on your festivities.

The vegetarian is likely to try to make his role in life look enjoyable and encourage you to convert under the knowledge that misery loves company. He may express this encouragement by bringing salad to your barbeque. Luckily the vegetarian is also weak and can be safely stored in a pantry until the party is ready for his antics again.

You have come to understand by now, that is will be difficult to enjoy the company of the vegetarian, but such affection is unnecessary anyhow. The fact that the vegetarian will not finish off your steak while you are savoring its succulent flavors is reason enough to tolerate the vegetarian.

And now, if I have had any success at all, I have taught my people how to be tolerant of the vegetarian.

Clean 'Ass' A Whistle

A friend of mine was once courting a person who could one day be the proud owner of one of the cleanest butts in the world. I was very happy of her for her great find, though she never considered this a truly valuable aspect of the relationship.

She cannot poop because she is a woman,

he cannot poop because of an unexpected medical disorder that renders his rectum useless.

This is the crazy kind of match you'd expect from a Hollywood Romantic Comedy.

This dear friend of mine lamented that the male she had taken a liking towards had a serious ailment, Crohn's Disease, and would likely face the consequences of trying to live happily with such evil lurking in his bowels.

For those of you who were looking for a reason to lose your appetite for lunch today, merrily proceed: Crohn's disease destroys your intestines and forces doctors to dramatically hoist them from your belly during surgery, remove the most offending section, seal it up, and hide it within your cavernous body once more. Eventually you will run out of enough intestines to function properly, and the doctors will be creative.

The Doctors make a hole in your stomach. (As a word of caution, do not meddle with these doctors, when they threaten to "tear you a new asshole" they mean this in a very literal sense.) They will connect this hole to your intestines and force you to poop through a hole in your stomach attached to a bag hanging around your midsection for the rest of your life.

This woman was very concerned for the well being of this man. She had wanted for him to grow old in a healthy way, and if that was not possible, then at the very least in an unhealthy way that was not physically visible from the outside. Perhaps an ailment like dementia or Alzheimer's, those can be an adventure!

 Pictured above : Adventure!

I dutifully reassured her by reminding her of the endless benefits and opportunities that could manifest from this development in his health. For one, she can enjoy the carefree life of a woman that never needs to share toilet paper with her husband! He will certainly need sanitary wipes for his new anus, but the one he grew up with will only require dusting from time to time, now that it is out of use.

Furthermore, now that this fellow's original rear is no longer used for human-byproduct, it will always be clean. I congratulate her that she will undoubtedly be able to commit sodomy on this man at any time and never be concerned with the dirty results. His butt will be clean enough to not ruin the mood no matter how deeply she violates him! She insisted that she was in no way a sexual deviant that would benefit from violating her husband in such ways, and I assured her it would be far more devious if the violations were committed while he was still using that orifice for practical purposes. In fact, it would be much dirtier also.

Her potential mate's rear still had plenty of unexplored uses beyond sexual violation. I reminded her that with enough practice, she could possibly replace her purse by using her husband's superfluous, vacant rectum. Letting that abandoned territory go to waste would be a shame when it could function just as well as perfectly good storage space. He could carry her cell phone, car keys, lip stick, and pepper spray in the safe and warm tunnels of his gut.

She left to find others that could provide less optimistic relationship advice. I believe my comrade hoped someone might tell her reassuring words such as "I'm sure you wont notice." and "We'll buy you potpourri for Christmas."

Though she does not share intimate information regarding her companion's orifices any longer, I consider myself adequately prepared for the day that she opens a business that offers her husband's rectum for rent.

I am indubitably eager to have a "space for rent" advertisement on his rear. Perhaps with an "inquire within" statement if my relative-in-law kept business cards inside there as well.

What Society (Apparently) Wants In A Woman

I've spent enough time with society to learn about some of the surprising disorders that society cant wait for women to suffer from, after all, it's part of being attractive and desirable to men. A compiled list of the primary flaws of women will guide future women on how to be less unattractive.

Hair: The first thing that men want you to stop doing, is growing hair. Cease those foolish antics, what do you think you are? Some living decedent of an ancestor related to primates? Not in the modern man's fantasy you aren't. What you need is a disorder known as Alopecia Areata, and do your best to suffer from this diagnosis at least from nose down. This conditions leave humans with an inability to grow hair in spontaneous patches formed on their skin, but hopefully just where society deems it unattractive. 

Defecating: most males seem to have an unnatural abhorrence towards females defecating, considering it is generally accepted as a normal human act. The ideal situation is for the women to have a digestive complication or colon block. That is one very attractive diagnosis.

After a short while of being unable to evacuate the bowels, women will likely begin to suffer from fecal halitosis, an elegant phrase to describe a smell emitting from the mouth reminiscent of fecal matter and foreboding of what is to come. Next is the colorful display of fecal vomiting. Most forms of orally ejecting the contents of your body have been playfully named 'spitting rainbows'. But this is significantly less impressive than a rainbow, it is brown. It is fecal matter. Don't lose hope, you've made great progress by no longer actually defecating, you simply throw up in a disgusting mess often instead.

Eating:  Men provide women with conflicting information on this, assuring you they want you to eat but sending mixed messages that  can leave the idea convoluted. The truth is that it is ideally attractive for you to eat just enough for men to believe that you are not dying of starvation. It may be recommended that women take up a diet of Altos breath mints in order to counter the taste and smell of fecal halitosis.

Menstrual Cycle: With this horrible flaw in women you at least have a few options in how you may regain the favorable attention of men by removing this trait. The first and most natural method to being a beautiful woman without a menstrual cycle, is to be a child, if you're already failing at being 8 years old again then you can try being old and decrepit.
If neither of these options suit you, you can try being constantly pregnant. The constant septic state of your body should mean your offspring will perish long before they damage your womanly figure.
Assuming pregnancy is not an option, there is one final solution. Ovarian cancer or cervical cancer will most certainly clear up that fertility problem.
If at all possible, a woman may seek as many of these options as possible and try as many of them at once to be extra attractive to men.

By the small chance that you may be trying to live up to these standards, I'm sure at some point upon the list, a few things may have become clear.  The society that thought out this list of what is and is not attractive in human women may not have a very clear understanding of what a human woman is. Whether or not they have actually seen a human woman in real life is debatable.

If the community that decided on these traits are familiar with human women, one may venture to say they foster an intense dislike for women and prefer to see them in the final stages of emaciation and death.

You cannot fool me, mainstream society and unrealistic demands. I intend to keep my companions safe, and far away from your nefarious Cosmopolitan magazines!