An Almost Ghost

Understandably there are varying degrees of belief when it comes to the paranormal and supernatural. Some believe that ghosts are here to hurt us, others believe that the ghosts are present because we first hurt them. I personally believe that my injuries acquired in almost interactions with ghosts, are entirely caused by myself.

A recent injury to my body and my pride was the result from speaking of a ghost known for searching for her lost child. This apparition is said to be angry and emotional as well as irrational. She lashes out due to the loss of her child, and she is angered by anyone who she perceives has neglected aiding her search for her kin.

The image of her grey rotting skin, matted hair and blood swollen eyes was a stain on my mind no matter how I told myself "Even in the event of ghosts... logically speaking she has no reason to lash out against me."

 
On a quiet morning, I awoke to leave my dwelling place very early, before the sun had risen. I cautiously opened the front door and stared out past the stairs stretching over my door, at the dark landscape. A single street lamp was the only source of light out doors. It was quiet that morning.

I stepped out and began to lock the door after fumbling with my keys. As the door clicked I heard the unmistakeable tap of feet on the path behind me. Afraid to look over my shoulder, I looked upon the door in front of me.

The street lamp was casting my motionless shadow on the door. The brief attempt at comforting myself vanished as the foot steps grew closer and a shadow raised up behind my own, stretching over the height of the door as though a great beast loomed over me.

I quickly attempted to flee the possible assailant and I threw myself forcefully on the door. The locked door did not give way to my tackle and instead bounced me back without remorse. I briefly scratched and beat at the door as I wailed my would be last words.

"Stop! Stop! No!" the rest of my message trailed off in a pained whine.

I fell to my knees, still pressed firmly to the door, and I finally glanced back at the approaching apparition...

My neighbor stands motionless on the stairs previously mentioned to be placed over my door. The light behind him on the path sends a long dark shadow through the slats in the stairs, cloaking my door in the mass of his shadow.

We stare at each other in a long quiet pause, regarding each other in silent recognition. He finally speaks, "A little jumpy this morning."

I grasp my door handle and lift myself to my feet, "It would seem so..." I respond in a dignified tone.

"Perhaps, less coffee." he offers as a remedy to my panic.

I pull my keys free from the lock and clear my throat, "Hopefully so." I answer. We break our gaze and depart, releasing the other to their agenda.

He resumed his day with the mental image of his easily startled neighbor fleeing from a shadow. And I resumed my own day with the triumphant knowledge that I had survived an almost ghost sighting.

The Game You Always Win

If you have ever asked "Why would one ever resort to playing Russian Roulette?" And if you believe Russian Roulette must be the worst game, or so horrible it isn't even a game at all, I can emphatically express why it is the best game*

You can play Russian Roulette, even when you're missing pieces. Consider how often your game of Monopoly has been plighted due to an absent stack of money or that insufferable metallic canine that disappears with children. Missing game pieces will ruin lesser games, but Russian Roulette perseveres through these hard times.

•  If you find you are missing your bullets, you are looking at the most cheerful game of Russian Roulette ever played. Everyone is a winner in this round!
• If you do not have a gun, or pistol, your friends can grasp in their hands a bullet, or nothing, and pelt the contents of their palm towards your face. Will the fun ever end?

Russian Roulette can be played in the most desolate of times. Even the most playful companions will turn down your invitation for a rousing game of Marco Polo in the event of eviction, cancer diagnosis or loss of job. But in the most perilous positions, Russian Roulette can become the game of choice!

• You find yourself hidden within a dug out on a vast battle field under enemy fire. Refuse to play Russian Roulette on enemy terms, it would be ludicrous to rely on their luck hitting you when you can utilize your very own government issued gun to play Russian Roulette with your friends.
• During a friend gathering, your best friend spontaneously proposes to the ex-lover you still harbor fond feelings for. Russian Roulette instantly becomes the best possible game to suggest. There are only two outcomes now, either your friend's wedding tuxedo is now a funeral tuxedo, or you have promptly lost your ability to care!
• On that note, Russian Roulette can be an ideal game for failing relationships in which figuratively messy break ups are not an option.

 Finally, Russian Roulette is the only game you have always won. If you ever set out with the intention of playing Russian Roulette, you will discover that either you win... or nothing. If you don't win, you'll never know it. Your ability to fathom the concept of losing vacated your mind at a speed of 200+ m/s, along with that bullet.

As far as you can actually be concerned, by this 'logic', Russian Roulette remains the only game of chance that you always win.




*Russian Roulette and other games sponsored by Drawin Awards Unlimited and should only be used as a source of entertainment by those wishing to clean their gene pool.

The Elusive Primary Message

Women may like to be called pretty, but if they are simply not pretty, one shouldn't be expected to lie to uphold an unspoken social rule... The Elusive Primary Message

There came a moment when a girl entered my life. This chapter was not particularly long lived, primarily because of the difficulty in communication. Whether you know this or not, there is a delicate art to the first message of the day that one suitor sends another and when the influence does not come naturally the message can be difficult to feign.

I sat idly one such morning after an evening courting this woman. To display appreciation and a polite demeanor it was obligatory to send the primary message of the day. Sadly there was so little to discuss with this evening companion it was difficult to create a message.

A dear friend beside me, swollen with glee at the potential of a blooming romance, suggests, "Girls love to be told that they are pretty! Send a message telling her that she is pretty!"

There was a minor complication with this plan, which I expressed, "But she isn't."

It wasn't that she was particularly foul in appearance, or that I placed much value on these superficial standards. But none of this was explained in the long and pregnant silence that lingered between my friend and I as we exchanged glances.

I break the silence as I return my attention to the nagging blank message, elaborating, "I only feel that I should open up with something more believable." 

Careful consideration was given to potential other messages I could send. However, the various truths I could give her lacked the poetry that my friend recommended. Various failed first messages included, "Greetings, I awoke this day with a distant memory of the evening we shared." 
 "Before sleep found me, last night, I thought ceaselessly of your face, and I can confirm without question, that it is indeed a face." and
"I recall vividly most of the events that transpired on our outing last night, due to the happenings having occurred so recently. Regrettably it was not memorable enough to leave a long lasting impression on my recollections and the remedy would likely be a second, more impressive date."

Luckily she was spared all of my various levels of truth. The elusive primary message was never written and the chasm between our communications was never bridged. But I can say, with the utmost certainty, that she  is out there still, hopefully not waiting for a message from me.

Opposites, Logically Speaking

All of the opposites you think you know are probably not opposites at all. Stop mentioning things that have so much in common and stop labeling them as opposites... Opposites, Logically Speaking. 
 

If I were to provide a short list, here, including these words:

• Cat - Dog
• Yes - No
• Boy - Girl
• Up - Down
• Hot - Cold

You would likely recognize these all as opposites. This is a little strange considering the definition of opposite is "A person or thing that is totally different from someone or something else." In this case, why would cat and dog be opposite when they have far more in common than they are different? The same can be said for anything else on this list.

To truly achieve "opposite" you should expand your mind to grasp something entirely unrelated to the subject. Keep this in mind next time you are being asked to provide opposites.

• When you hear Cat, reply with the opposite, "Narcolepsy"
• When you hear Yes, reply with the opposite, "Loquacious"
• When you hear Boy,  reply with the opposite, "Serendipitous"
• When you hear Up, reply with the opposite, "December"
• When you hear Hot, reply with the opposite, "Yesterday"

You will soon realize that by pulling these answers straight from your rear they will have almost nothing in common with one another, making them better examples of "opposites" than the pairs on the first list.


I might be assisting you in aiding the English language to obey it's rules a little more literally... or I might be lying to you. I might just feel the English language isn't yet Chaotic enough and dismantling the soft minds of young people begins with non sequitur style opposites.

What Society (Apparently) Wants In A Woman

I've spent enough time with society to learn about some of the surprising disorders that society cant wait for women to suffer from, after all, it's part of being attractive and desirable to men. A compiled list of the primary flaws of women will guide future women on how to be less unattractive.

Hair: The first thing that men want you to stop doing, is growing hair. Cease those foolish antics, what do you think you are? Some living decedent of an ancestor related to primates? Not in the modern man's fantasy you aren't. What you need is a disorder known as Alopecia Areata, and do your best to suffer from this diagnosis at least from nose down. This conditions leave humans with an inability to grow hair in spontaneous patches formed on their skin, but hopefully just where society deems it unattractive. 

Defecating: most males seem to have an unnatural abhorrence towards females defecating, considering it is generally accepted as a normal human act. The ideal situation is for the women to have a digestive complication or colon block. That is one very attractive diagnosis.

After a short while of being unable to evacuate the bowels, women will likely begin to suffer from fecal halitosis, an elegant phrase to describe a smell emitting from the mouth reminiscent of fecal matter and foreboding of what is to come. Next is the colorful display of fecal vomiting. Most forms of orally ejecting the contents of your body have been playfully named 'spitting rainbows'. But this is significantly less impressive than a rainbow, it is brown. It is fecal matter. Don't lose hope, you've made great progress by no longer actually defecating, you simply throw up in a disgusting mess often instead.

Eating:  Men provide women with conflicting information on this, assuring you they want you to eat but sending mixed messages that  can leave the idea convoluted. The truth is that it is ideally attractive for you to eat just enough for men to believe that you are not dying of starvation. It may be recommended that women take up a diet of Altos breath mints in order to counter the taste and smell of fecal halitosis.

Menstrual Cycle: With this horrible flaw in women you at least have a few options in how you may regain the favorable attention of men by removing this trait. The first and most natural method to being a beautiful woman without a menstrual cycle, is to be a child, if you're already failing at being 8 years old again then you can try being old and decrepit.
If neither of these options suit you, you can try being constantly pregnant. The constant septic state of your body should mean your offspring will perish long before they damage your womanly figure.
Assuming pregnancy is not an option, there is one final solution. Ovarian cancer or cervical cancer will most certainly clear up that fertility problem.
If at all possible, a woman may seek as many of these options as possible and try as many of them at once to be extra attractive to men.

By the small chance that you may be trying to live up to these standards, I'm sure at some point upon the list, a few things may have become clear.  The society that thought out this list of what is and is not attractive in human women may not have a very clear understanding of what a human woman is. Whether or not they have actually seen a human woman in real life is debatable.

If the community that decided on these traits are familiar with human women, one may venture to say they foster an intense dislike for women and prefer to see them in the final stages of emaciation and death.

You cannot fool me, mainstream society and unrealistic demands. I intend to keep my companions safe, and far away from your nefarious Cosmopolitan magazines!

I Think You're Lying To Me

You may have intended to be honest... but... I think you're lying to me...

There are many times in my life when there are elaborate debates, compromises or wordy responses that are necessary for the event that has been presented before me. But sometimes, as rare as it may be, I will stare at a situation and the only response I can muster is, "I think you're lying to me."

For example, I was entertaining the company of an obnoxious young woman with poorly treated hair resembling the hair pulled from a shower drain, slicked with grease onto her face. Her looks were unfavorable but her personality was far worse, and she declared "I hate men, they're always hitting on me and trying to get me to marry them." To which I could only respond,

 "I think you're lying to me."

A friend of mine was lamenting that he 'never gets the girl' and when I suggested that he may have better luck if he asked out girls that are available, he responded "Single or available means nothing to me, because girls used to cheat on their boyfriends all the time just to get with me, they wanted me so bad, and I know how to give them what they want." To which I could only respond,

"I think you're lying to me."

A classmate of mine that often battled with her body shape and appearance began excitedly telling me how many pounds she'd lost during that week, "10 pounds on Monday, 5 pounds on Tuesday, 7 pounds on Wednesday, 4 pounds on Thursday, and 5 pounds today. It's really starting to show." To which I could only respond, 

"I think you're lying to me."

It is not always a story that requires context. Sometimes just a simple statement you hear made in your vicinity will garner the same response.

"White makes most people look fat, but I always look good in white."

"I think you're lying to me."

"In this photo, I really look like Beyonce."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Don't worry, you look great in that!"

"I think you're lying to me."

"It's not you, it's me." 

"I think you're lying to me."

"Nah, that's just a cold sore."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"I think you're lying to me."

" I'm a professional."

"I think you're lying to me."

"I know you want me."

"I think you're lying to me."

At times the situation doesn't even require a full statement. A simple photograph or image that you come across will do the trick. Observe.

"I think you're lying to me..."

 "..."

 This phrase is so accurately the best response to many situations that might otherwise require you to tenderly remove a glove and strike the being the spawns such annoyances. Prepare yourself to respond to the various questionable statements you'll come across and practice on what is most likely to be the next lie you'll hear...

Air Port Security and A Penis

Air port security is most certainly serious business that should not be questioned, teased, taunted, molested, and certainly not ‘trolled’. Unfortunately by nature I am a creature that ruffles feathers and renders humans around me with a curiosity and confusion that will never be satisfied by the questions I leave behind. 

I pack for destinations abnormally, finding accessories and knick knacks to take president over practical clothing. For a week expedition with my friends, my eclectic collections raised supicion and I my bag was quickly pulled aside for investigation.
 

The candles alarmed the TSA, interestingly enough. The fellow scanning the bag asked me if I had candles and informed me that it triggers an alarm because they can never be certain what the candles are made of. (Note: using explosive material in your candle or otherwise harmful gells could defeat the entire purpose of providing safe fire light in the dark.) The fellow called over an unsuspecting agent to take my bag and carry it away, unaware of what he may learn through his peek into my bag.

“Do you have any sharped or dangerous objects within your bag on which i might hurt myself?” He asks.

“No.” I answer simply. I'm fairly certain I'm only required to warn him of possible physical harm, psychological harm depends on his own frailty of mind.

He opens the bag and carefully folds my clothes to the side, searching for the candles when he came across a glass jar. A glass jar that holds a penis.

There is a silence between us, I’m sure he was expecting me to defensively claim, “It’s not what it looks like!” or immediately explain a perfectly logical explanation for why I had a penis in a jar stowed tenderly in my suit case.

You may wonder as well, you may have a variety of answers that you believe will tell you about who I am.

• Perhaps I am a mourning lover who endured the death of my partner and now carries his preserved penis everywhere I go- or perhaps he is not yet even dead, and this is simply the evidence of a particularly nasty break up. 
• Maybe I am a secret agent, or mafia hitman, or an assassin who is carrying home the trophy of my latest victory to adorn my mantlepiece- or terrify the relatives with. 
• Or possibly I have a dear gay friend who is somewhat of an insatiable gay beast and requires a regular consumption of penises through his anus in order to not unleash his hunger on the public. I alone hold the responsibility of penetrating the beast and sating him.

Regardless of your justifications as to why this is packed in my bag, what is most important is why the airport security agent believes i have this packed in my luggage. The curious mans hand moves to the side as his mind seems to register what he sees in front of him. He touches the bottom of the jar cautiously and slowly turns it over. The penis had been laying belly up in the jar and was now adjusted to be on it’s side exposing it’s obvious phallic identity.

We are still locked in silence, but now locked in a motionless state as well as he stares, unable to break his attention from the grand ‘prize’ within my luggage. An additional agent comes up behind him and reminds him of his duty. He hastily lifts out the candles beside the jar and pass them to the agent and they run the suitcase again. He wordlessly processes the bag and repacks the candles into it and I am soon on my way.

I never looked back over my shoulder but i could feel his eyes on me, staring as curiosity consumed him. I wonder for how long he wondered about what he had come across. I can only imagine if he is on duty the next time I go through that security gate, he will likely request for public safety that my luggage will be checked, and he will likely also request that he wont have to be the one to do it.